Getting Married
by CallItWhatYouWantTo
Summary: Rafael Barba walked out of Olivia's life 11 months ago on a cold February afternoon and never looked back. But what happens when the DA's office tries to railroad Rafael for a crime he didn't commit? Will Olivia be able to go to extreme lengths to protect him after he broke her heart? Will they finally have to face the feelings they have for each other?
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

"What are we gonna do?"

"I really – don't want to talk about it, Amanda," Olivia mumbled somewhat awkwardly. The detective was clearly just looking out for her, and she appreciated that, but Olivia was not ready. Even though he had been gone for almost a year, she really hadn't sorted out her feelings in her head, much less talked with someone else about it.

Amanda looked over her shoulder at the bustling squad room, before closing the door to Liv's office,

"Look, Liv, I get it. Okay? Believe me, I get it. But if we don't do anything to help him…"

She paused and dropped her eyes. It was hard keeping eye contact with her boss when she was staring so intensely.

"…he's going to prison."

Olivia sighed. Amanda was right. Acting out of anger was not right. Deep down, she knew that. But forgiving him would not easy either. That day, back in February, she almost told him… She wanted to tell him. But he didn't let her. _**Don't say it**. _It repeated over and over in her head. He walked away before she even had the chance.

"Look – I don't know what happened between you two, and it's _none_ of my business – I'm just saying; if you don't help him now, you might regret it."

* * *

Against her better judgement, Olivia found herself headed towards his apartment after her shift ended. She shook her head as she pressed the button in the elevator. It wasn't fair. Even after everything – after he broke her heart – she still would do anything for him.

She knocked on the door before she could convince herself to turn around. Amanda was right. She would regret it.

The latch turned and Olivia felt her heart rate increase. It had been 11 months. She hadn't seen his face, heard his voice, in 11 months. The door opened. He looked somewhat shocked. Surprised that she was standing in front of him. Olivia briefly wondered if he didn't want to see her. But he ushered her in anyway.

In his foyer, she felt the beginning of tears start to form but she pushed them down hard. No way was she crying right now. He looked at her a bit awkwardly. Fragilely.

"Can I uh – offer you something to drink?"

She turned to face him, but didn't make eye contact, "No. I, uh, I'm not staying. I just wanted to tell you… that…" She paused. Olivia could feel his eyes on her. They were burning into her.

"I will… lie – for you. Tell me – tell me what to say, and I will say it." She finally got out. She still didn't look up at him. She honestly didn't know if she could. Even so, she knew what he was thinking. Or at least she used to always be able to tell what he was thinking.

"Liv…" he said in a whisper. He was ducking his head trying to meet her eyes. "You are not going to perjure yourself for me" he said slowly. She finally looked up. His eyes were wide. Serious. A little shocked as well.

"There's no other way! I have to Barba."

"_No. _You don't." He was not backing down.

Now it was Olivia who looked seriously into his eyes. She had to do this. No matter how angry he made her. No matter how badly he hurt her. She had to do this.

"If I don't, you go to _prison. _I will not be the reason you go to prison. I can't."

"No, Liv. I will find another way. I'll be okay, Liv."

She looked away from him. The tears were forming. She hated this. She hated the hold that he had on her. She shook her head slightly. Then, she turned towards the door,

"Good night, Barba," she said in barely a whisper.

And she was gone.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

"I must say, I was quite surprised when you called."

Olivia shifted slightly in her seat. The lawyer took a seat across his desk from her.

"It's not every day that the prosecution's star witness sets up a meeting with the defense."

Olivia took a deep breath. If Barba wasn't going to let her help him, she had no other choice.

"Yeah, well, this isn't just any case."

The lawyer just looked at her for a moment before nodding in agreement.

"So, what are you proposing?"

"I don't know. That's the point. That's why I'm here." She tried her best to keep her voice level. To not give away too much. "Stone already subpoenaed my testimony, and if I tell the truth up there…"

"_If _you tell the truth?" There was a glint in the lawyer's eye. A smirk played on his lips briefly. "You know, there is another way."

* * *

Rafael was surprised to see Olivia sitting in the office when he walked in. The shock changed quickly to suspicion. She was nothing if not persistent, and the last time he saw her, she was ready to risk her entire reputation for him. He cringed just thinking about that. He never deserved her loyalty before, but now he surely didn't deserve it.

He wasn't an idiot. He saw how much he had hurt her. He saw the pain behind her eyes on that bitter, grey February morning almost a year before. And yet, here she was; risking her career for him. He grimaced when he saw her. Her loyalty was one of his favorite things about her, but he was terrified that it would also be her downfall.

"What's going on?" he asked.

"Rafael," his lawyer started, "Lieutenant Benson and I have been talking. Come, sit."

"No, just tell me what's going on," Rafael insisted. He wanted to know the damage.

"We found a way around the Lieutenant having to testify. It'll give us _more_ than a fighting chance."

"Okay…" he said slowly. What was the catch. There was always a catch.

Neither one of them were saying anything. Rafael just stared at them, waiting for them to say something. Olivia finally took a deep breath,

"We have to get married, Barba." Olivia muttered staring at her feet.

His jaw dropped slightly, eyes narrowing, "You have got to be kidding me," he said. Maybe a little too harshly, as he thought he saw a twinge of pain in Olivia's eyes.

"No," he started, "Absolutely not."

"Rafael, this is your best option," his lawyer began.

He wasn't listening to him anymore. He turned to Olivia,

"This is insane. If we get caught, we _both_ go to jail. You get that, right?"

She sighed, looking up at him tiredly,

"I'm trying to help you, Barba. Why won't you just let me?"

Did he really have to explain to her why this was an epically terrible idea? There was no way they were going to be able to pull it off. She was so angry with him, she could barely look at him when they were in the same room. How had they gotten to this place? The distain in her eyes. He knew there was no one to blame but himself, but still, he missed his friend.

Rafael finally turned to his lawyer,

"This is not happening. You'll think of something else."

Then, he picked up his briefcase and was gone. He was halfway down the abandoned hallway before he heard her voice calling out.

"Barba! Barba, stop." He just kept walking. He knew that if he stopped, she would somehow convince him of this crazy plan. She would look into his eyes and break down his walls and convince him to do whatever she wanted him to. He wasn't going to let her destroy her career for him.

"_Damn it, Rafael_!"

He stopped in his tracks. That was the first time she had used his first name since he had come back into her life. He turned to face her as she caught up with him. Olivia watched his eyes soften slightly. They stared at each other for a brief moment before both breaking eye contact.

"Look, you don't have to _like _this," she gestured a finger between the two of them, "but you're going to do it. If not for yourself, then for me." Her voice had dropped to a whisper. Her eyes getting misty. It reminded him of that February morning. "Do this for me, Rafael."

Damn it. There she went again. Pulling him in. A pang of guilt rippled through his chest. She was hurting. He hated himself for being such a coward. For walking away from her 11 months ago. He was so close to saying those fateful words. Those three words that were on the tip of his tongue. But he was scared. And now she was closer than ever and yet, still completely out of reach. How could he possibly explain that to her? To explain the torture, it would be for him to marry her? To be her husband, to hear her promise to spend a lifetime with him, when he knew it was all a sham? When he knew she didn't feel any of the things she was saying?

Maybe it was his selfishness, or the absurdly late time, or the way she whispered his name – maybe it was the combination of all three – but he heard himself agree to marry her. He saw a glimmer of relief on her face. The briefest of smiles. And he also saw her walk down the hallway and disappear around the corner.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

They found themselves sitting across the desk from Rafael's lawyer the following morning. Neither of them had even glanced at each other. They just sat there silently.

"Okay!" a voice announced as the door opened, "I have the paper work right here."

The man sat down across from them, shuffling through papers. He eventually looked up, sighing when he saw their apparent disgust with each other.

"Right… okay, you two realize that you're supposed to be in love? It might help if you didn't look completely apathetic?"

They simply stared at him and he shook his head, continuing, "So, tonight, get your stories straight. Every single detail. The one thing you forget, will be the one thing they'll ask about."

Rafael snuck a look over at Olivia. She was staring straight ahead though. This was a business transaction to her. He looked away.

"Tomorrow morning, go to city hall. Oh, and you'll need a witness. Don't forget. Someone you trust." Olivia grimaced. Someone they trusted? She didn't want to pull anyone into this charade with them. To implicate them. "Trial begins on Monday."

With that, they both stood and walked from his office. The hallway was more crowded than the previous evening.

"So, how about you be at my place at 8:00? Noah will be asleep, and we can talk."

He reached out, touching her forearm to stop her, "Liv… are you absolutely sure about this?" Her heart fluttered. The last time he touched her was when he had kissed her forehead.

**_Don't say it._**

It rang in her ears every time she was around him. She had wanted to tell him she loved him. And before that day, she would have never been that close to saying it, but he no longer worked with SVU, and she was tired of pretending. But then he said those words: **_Don't say it._** And she simply watched as he walked out of her life.

"Yes, of course I'm sure."

"Okay, so who are we getting to be our witness?"

"Amanda will do it," she answered quickly.

"Why not Fin?" He countered.

"Because Fin would never let me go through with it. Amanda won't ask questions."

He just nodded, seemingly deep in thought. His brow was furrowed.

"Well, we should ask her together," he finally said, as they stepped onto the elevator.

"That's not necessary, Barba."

There was his surname again. It stung more than it should have.

"Liv, if we're trying to convince people that we've been together for almost a year. Don't you think it would be a little strange if we didn't announce it together?"

Everything about this was more than just a little strange. There was no way Amanda was going to buy it either way. But he was right. Just bringing Amanda in on this could put her career in jeopardy as well. And she had two children to worry about.

"Fine. Let's tell her now then."

They shared a silent cab ride to the precinct. It was probably close enough to walk, but neither of them wanted to talk. When they got to the building, they rode up the elevator in silence. Olivia wondered what he was thinking. When she had told him their plan the previous evening, he was less than enthused about it. She even thought she saw him grimace at the idea of marrying her.

**_Don't say it._**

Maybe that was his way of telling her that he didn't feel the same way. And here he was about to marry her.

"Rollins, can I have a minute?"

Olivia asked never breaking stride toward her office. Rafael was close behind her.

Amanda looked confused, eyes darting back and forth between Rafael and Olivia. Olivia almost laughed thinking about how shocked she was about to be.

"Shut the door, please?"

Olivia was standing in front of her desk and Rafael settled on the couch. She realized that this was probably not the most convincing set up, but at least Rafael was here. It showed that they had at least come to some sort of partnership.

"We have something we need to ask you," Olivia started in. Amanda's eyes were still darting back and forth between them. She _was _a detective after all. Olivia looked to Rafael for back up. He stood up and walked slowly over to her.

"Olivia and I… are getting married…" Amanda's eyes widened. Olivia felt Rafael's hand reach for hers. She took it, reluctantly. She had to do this for Amanda's sake.

"I'm sorry, what?" Her mouth was curving up into a smile as she stared at their hands clasped together.

"We're not joking, Amanda. We're getting married. Tomorrow. And we would like you to be our witness."

Amanda was clearly still shocked. Her mouth still hanging slightly open. Her eyes narrowed briefly and crossed her arms over her chest.

"This is the part where I stop asking questions, right?"

Olivia just stared at her, hoping that she would understand.

"Okay, what time tomorrow?"

"First thing. 9:00am? I'll reimburse you for the time you miss."

"Don't worry about it, Liv." Amanda shot a murderous look at Rafael before slipping out of the office.

As soon as she was gone, Rafael looked down at their hands. Olivia couldn't tell what he was thinking, so she pulled her hand away gently.

"Right," he finally mumbled, "I'll see you tonight." He walked out of her office.

* * *

It wasn't 2 minutes after Noah fell asleep, that Olivia heard a knock on her door. She took a deep breath before standing up and walking over to it. She wasn't exactly looking forward to this.

"Hey," she said, opening the door and stepping aside to let him in.

"Hi."

She noticed he was wearing a sweater. A rare version of Rafael Barba. Although, she hadn't seen him since the day he resigned, so she wouldn't really know.

"Let me get you a drink," she offered as he trailed behind her into her apartment. He looked around somewhat awkwardly. Was he nervous?

"Thanks."

They found their way over to the couch and sat down.

"So," he began.

She just smiled politely. How she missed the days where they weren't like this. The days where they could tell each other anything. When they were so in sync, they could just look at each other and know what the other needed. He was staring at her.

"We need to get our stories straight," she said, looking down at her wine glass.

"Right. Okay… Liv, about February –"

"I don't want to talk about that," she interrupted quickly. Almost too quickly. It was a gut reaction. She really didn't know if she could reopen that wound right now.

"But we need to," he said gently. His voice put her at ease. When she didn't reply he sighed quietly, "So, when are we supposed to have started dating?"

"I don't know, a year ago?"

"No, it has to be after I resigned otherwise verdicts will be overturned."

"Right."

"How about February?"

"No, it would have to be March…" His brow furrowed a little. "Amanda saw me… crying – in my office… at the end of February."

He looked down. A wave of guilt and self-loathing rippled through him. He swallowed hard, "Okay, first week of March then."

"We hooked up the day you resigned in February and I didn't hear from you for weeks." He raised his eyebrows at her. "It would explain the crying," she mumbled.

"Yeah, you're right. Okay, so I left, and you didn't hear from me for a month."

"Why?" He was taken aback by her question at first and she saw that. "Look, he was right, okay? We need to plan every detail. Why did you leave?"

"…Because… because." They were talking on a different level now. They both knew it. But this was somehow easier. "Because I felt like I let you down," he finally admitted. "Because I was afraid of – taking a risk."

Olivia's eyes were burning but she refused to cry anymore over him. Forgiving him wasn't something she was ready to do, no matter what her heart felt.

**_Don't say it._**

"But you came back," Olivia whispered. "First week of March – and convinced me to give you a second chance… and we've been together ever since." He only nodded, not trusting himself to speak right now.

They continued to discuss the details of their 'relationship.' Trying to think of every detail. From their first kiss, to their decision to get married.

"What about Noah?" Rafael asked. "We can't ask him to lie."

"Stone won't put a 6-year-old on the stand, no matter how badly he wants to win."

It was 11 when Rafael stood from the couch and headed towards the door.

"I guess I'll see you tomorrow?"

"One more thing, Barba. You realize you will have to kiss me tomorrow?"

"I'm aware," he said with a smirk. She hadn't realized how much she'd miss his spirit. She almost laughed. It almost felt like old times. Almost.

"Not just on my forehead." His smile faded. She shouldn't have said that. She mostly said it out of spite and pain. And regretted it.

"I'll see you tomorrow," he said simply before leaving.

She stared at the door for a moment.

**_Don't say it._**

* * *

He was up earlier than he had to be. Was he nervous? It was his wedding day after all. He shook his head at this. This was still such an epically bad idea. Was he selfish to agree to this? He was using Olivia to save himself and doing nothing for her in return. That wasn't entirely true. He was probably hurting her even more in return.

Rafael looked around his apartment, sipping coffee. It was quiet, and dark, and… empty. It felt empty.

Finally, it was time to leave and meet Olivia at her office. He rode the elevator up staring at the ceiling. He took a deep breath. He _was _nervous. He just hated how disconnected they were. Most of it was his fault, but still.

Getting off the elevator, he walked with confidence and turned the corner to go into her office. He knew how important it was for them to pull this off today. He had to look like he had never been happier.

Amanda stood up slowly as she watched him walk into Olivia's office.

"Hey," he said as nonchalantly as he could, shoving his hands into his pockets, "You ready?"

She looked up from her paperwork briefly at him, then back down.

"Yeah, I just have to finish this one sentence."

He watched silently as she continued writing. She was wearing her glasses, brow furrowed with concentration. He smiled gently but was interrupted by Amanda knocking on the door.

"You guys ready? I'll drive."

"Yeah," Olivia answered, throwing down her pen, taking off her glasses, and standing from her desk.

She met his eyes for the first time all morning and smiled tightly. Still, it reassured him.

Fin watched as the three of them walked towards the elevator, leaning back in his chair, hands raised at Amanda. She gave him a quick look to not ask any more questions.

They sat together in the back of Amanda's car. It would look better if they got out of the car together. And, even though Amanda wasn't buying any part of this, maybe she wouldn't have to lie this way.

Rafael stepped out of the car first, holding the door open for Olivia. She quickly linked an arm through one of his. He looked at her briefly, smiling. He was playing this up. There was a sparkle in his eyes that she wanted to pretend was for her, but she knew better. So, she returned the smile.

How was it possible for someone to make her so angry and happy at the same exact time?

**_Don't say it._**

The ceremony went quickly. Nothing special, just the bare minimum. Amanda watched cautiously, not quite sure what to make of it.

"I do," Olivia found herself saying. She stared at the man across from her. Her brain began wandering. Before February, before all the heartbreak and anger… had she ever imagined what it would be like to be with this man forever?

**_What are you going to be doing when you're 85?_**

**_Squabbling with you?_**

**_Wouldn't that be nice…_**

"I do," he said in a whisper. One eerily familiar to the one he used during their conversation from years before. **_Wouldn't that be nice._** Maybe it was possible for them to get back to that place.

"Then, by the power vested in me, I pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride."

And then his lips were on hers. He tasted like coffee. Not surprising. It wasn't exactly a passionate kiss, given the nature of their situation, but it felt strangely familiar. Like somehow, even the tiny act of kissing, was pulling them back to the place they were before he left. But they weren't in the same place. And that became very clear when they leaned away from each other.

Rafael grinned at her, and she back at him. His eyes were almost sparkling. He was a good actor.

Olivia looked to Amanda, who was smiling widely. A fake smile. The minister would never know the difference, but she did. Olivia felt his fingers interlace hers and she let them.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

"So, here are some blankets and pillows," Olivia started.

"Thank you," he responded quietly, somewhat awkwardly. They both didn't really know what to say to each other.

"Well, okay, I guess I'll see you in the morning and we can drive to court together."

"You're still going?" Rafael asked.

"Of course, I'm going. Don't you think it would look weird if I wasn't there to support you? I am your wife after all."

Rafael just smiled tightly, "You're right." She began to drift toward her room when he added, "And it'll be a little fun to see Stone's face, right?"

She smiled, her back still to him. Turning around, she saw he was smirking, head cocked to the side.

"Yes, it will." He smiled widely at that, looking down, shaking his head.

"Liv." She looked up at him. His voice had dropped to seriousness again, "Thank you."

She stared at him for a long moment. Her brain was telling her not to forgive him. Not yet.

"Yeah…" She walked toward her bedroom.

* * *

**_You're angry with me?_**

**_No…_**

**_Disenchanted?_**

Olivia was shaken awake by her alarm. Rafael's voice drifted away. **_Disenchanted_**. Today was not the day to question their past. She was going to get plenty of that from everyone else.

As she came around the corner, the smell of coffee wafted around her.

"Hey," he greeted her, "I went ahead and made some coffee. I hope that's okay." He poured a second mug for her as he spoke.

"Yeah, I mean – We're going to be living together for the length of this trial. It's no problem."

He stared at her for a few moments. She hadn't met his eyes yet this morning. Not exactly what he pictured the morning after getting married. He knew why she was angry with him. He knew why she didn't want anything to do with him.

"Liv, we need to talk…"

"Hmm?" She said as nonchalantly as she could, moving around the kitchen.

"About February."

She stopped, closing the open refrigerator, "Not now."

He sighed, watching her walk back toward her bedroom, hands wrapped around her coffee.

* * *

They sat next to each other in the back of the cab. Amanda came into view. She was waiting with Carisi at the bottom of the courthouse steps. They hadn't told anyone else but Amanda. This was going to be interesting.

Amanda opened the door of the taxi, giving them both a once over with her eyes. Rafael wasn't sure if she was happy or sad about what she had seen. Olivia wrapped her arm around one of his and pulled herself close to him. They looked like a couple. Something that Carisi didn't miss. He noticed quietly.

"Hey, Lieu, you ready?"

"Actually, do you know where Stone is?"

"Yeah. Yeah, he's waiting in the lobby." Amanda raised her eyebrows. She was almost smiling, a glint in her eye. She was going to enjoy this. Olivia gave her a quick look.

Once inside Rafael turned and leaned in, kissing her hair quickly, before reporting where he needed to go. He did it so quickly, she had no time to even react. That was probably his plan. Every time his lips touched her skin, it confused her feelings even further.

She turned and was immediately met by the confused eyes of Peter Stone.

"Lieutenant, a word?" He breezed by her, toward an empty area of the lobby. "Is there something you want to tell me before you testify today?"

"Peter, I won't be testifying today." She was trying to be polite about it. She knew that she was putting him in an impossible situation. But, to be frank, he had put her in an impossible situation as well.

"We've been over this Olivia. You don't have a choice, I subpoenaed you."

"No, what I'm saying is that I _can't_ testify today."

He paused. "Well, you seem perfectly capable to me."

"I can't testify against Rafael Barba because he's my husband," she spelled out.

Olivia watched as Peter's eyes widen and his jaw dropped slightly.

"I'm sorry, what?"

"Peter look –"

"You married a defendant, so you didn't have to testify against him? Wow. Are you kidding me?"

"It's not like that, Peter."

"Really? Are you going to try and tell me that you've been secretly dating this whole time?"

"Peter, I'm not going to defend my relationship to you."

"That's not a 'yes,'" He huffed angrily. "You know, I looked up to you Olivia. I didn't think you were the kind of person that would turn against your own team. Guess I was wrong…"

Peter almost shoulder-checked her as he breezed away. She and Peter had gotten off on the wrong foot from day one, but they had grown closer together after nearly a year of working cases. And as much as she hated betraying him, she had no choice. They _both_ knew that at the end of the day, Olivia would always choose Rafael.

Rafael saw him approaching from the corner of his eye. This was going to be fun: to get the chance to face the man who tried him the first time. But this time, Rafael had the upper hand, and they both knew it.

"Inappropriate to speak to the defendant before the trial, don't you think, counselor?"

"Really? You want to talk about inappropriate relationships with me? How's the married life?"

Rafael didn't say anything. He just looked Stone up and down and walked away. Anything that he said would've come back to bite him in the ass. And he didn't really care about himself, but he wouldn't do that to Olivia. Her career – her freedom – was on the line, and he took that more seriously than anything else in his life.

It was a long day in court. Olivia sat through the whole thing. Enduring stares from Stone, Amanda, Carisi, Fin… But none of them affected her as much as the stares from Rafael. It felt like déjà vu. How many times had he turned around in the court room and given her the same look? Today it was slightly different though. What was it?

Was he scared? Was Rafael Barba ever scared?

She held his hand as they walked to Amanda's car. Olivia couldn't be sure, but it felt like he was shaking, gripping her hand just a little tighter than necessary. He _was_ scared.

Once they were back in her apartment she went over to the refrigerator and stared into the empty box. He must have noticed.

"Come on. I'll order out. It's the least I can do."

"No, Barba, no, really, it's fine."

He looked at her for a moment, as if he didn't have a counter argument. Olivia knew better. He _always_ had a counter argument. It was in his DNA.

"What?"

Olivia finally asked, tired of feeling his eyes burned into the side of her head.

"Liv – it's just… It might be easier – you know the whole marriage thing, if we actually… talked?"

He was right. Olivia knew he was right. It couldn't go on like this. But her feelings for him were all over the place. She hated him for breaking her heart, for leaving her standing in the cold, while at the same time…

**_Don't say it._**

"I don't want to talk about February," she whispered.

"Okay, so we don't talk about February. How 'bout March? Maybe April?"

"I'm serious."

"So am I," his tone becoming sincere again. He moved around the counter toward her. She took an involuntary step away from him. She couldn't be that close to him. Alone. In her apartment. "Let me buy us some dinner, and we'll just… talk… about _nothing_. Anything."

"Okay."

"Okay."

They settled on pizza. Rafael paid the delivery man and brought the box into the apartment. Despite everything that happened today, he couldn't help but feel a little happy. He had made some progress with Olivia. At least, he wanted to believe he had.

They both settled on the couch silently. Olivia sighed softly. He was right. They needed to try to make the best of this situation. And that meant both of them.

"What's your middle name?" She questioned out of the blue. Rafael was taken somewhat off guard by the question. He turned his attention toward her. "I just – realized I never asked."

"Raul."

He watched as she broke eye contact, nodding her head. What he wouldn't give to know what she was thinking sometimes.

"What's yours?"

"Margaret."

"Hmm." He nodded, smiling slightly.

They both settled in on the couch a little more. Even that: that tiny little conversation, finally brought both of them some peace from their stressful day. And, for the first time since February, there seemed to be a path back to the place they were before. Not an easy path. But a path nonetheless.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

"Why are you even here, Olivia?" Peter spat at her the next day in the lobby of the court house. She turned to him. Of course, he was angry. He had every right to feel betrayed.

"I'm here to support my husband," Olivia said, maybe a little too practiced.

"Save it."

"He's innocent, Peter. You _know_ that." Peter stared at her quietly for a moment, so Olivia continued, "Don't you dare talk to me about integrity."

He looked down the hall at Rafael with his lawyer.

"Look, out of respect for your unit, I wanted to give you a heads up… not that you gave me one. This will be my last case with SVU. I'm asking for a transfer. I wish I could say it was a pleasure."

He made his getaway, walking into the courtroom. She couldn't help but feel a little guilty. She never meant to hurt Peter. But he was on a fishing expedition with this case. The DA was trying to make Rafael a scapegoat and they were using Peter to do it. There was no way she was going to let that happen.

"Hey," Rafael said in almost a whisper. He was relieved another day was behind him. Relieved that he got to just be alone with Olivia again. She could still barely look at him, and he knew he had made very little progress with earning her trust back, but for some reason, just simply being in her presence calmed him down.

"Hey."

"You ready?"

"Actually, I have an errand to run. I'll see you later?"

"…Yeah. Yeah, I'll be up."

And with that she walked away. He watched her go. Rafael could help but appreciate the irony of watching her walk away from him. Especially in this building.

She knocked on the open door three times before slowly poking her head into the room. Peter looked up, distain in his eyes. She looked behind her.

"Uh – She said that I could come in…"

"What do you want, Olivia?"

She didn't really know how to answer that. Something in her gut told her to talk to him tonight though.

"I owe you an apology," she started.

He put his pen down and leaned back in his chair. His guard was still up, animosity still in his eyes.

"I know you probably don't care, but… I really didn't mean to – make such a mess for you."

She had made her way over to his desk, standing behind the chairs. His quietness threw her off guard a little. She nodded her head a few times, dropping her eyes away from his. There wasn't much else to say.

She turned toward the door but stopped half way -

"Look, I know after this case you're gonna walk away from SVU and not look back. I know… But we were friends, Peter. I thought that we were friends… so if you ever do decide you want to look back… I'll still be here."

With that, she turned toward the door again. She was nearly out of the office when she heard him say,

"Why?"

Facing him again, she looked in his eyes. _Why what?_

Why would she still be here? Why did she think they were friends? No. He was asking why she did what she did. He was asking why she was protecting Rafael. He was a very perceptive man. She knew he had noticed her missing Rafael. He was just trying to understand why.

**_Don't say it. _**It rang in her ears again. She knew why. She just had never said it out loud. Even to herself.**_Don't say it._**

"Because I love him."

Olivia watched Stone's eyes soften a little bit. She felt the tears form in her own. She was silently begging him to understand. And with that, she was gone. And he was silent.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six**

Olivia let out a deep breath and leaned against her closed door. To say it had been a long day would be an understatement. Just like he promised, Rafael was still up.

"I told Lucy she could go home. I put Noah to bed about an hour ago. I hope that's okay?"

They had told Noah that Rafael's apartment was under construction and that he would be staying over a lot. She wasn't exactly happy about lying to her son, but she knew there was no way he would ever understand the truth.

"Yeah," she answered, "Thank you Barba."

He cocked his head to the side, studying her. She always felt like she didn't have any secrets when he did that. Like he could see right through her.

"What, Barba?"

"Uh… so, my mother called tonight. I may have forgotten to mention the trial to her."

"What?" Her full attention was on him now.

"And uh – when she heard about _that _of course she heard about…"

Olivia put the pieces together in his head. Her blood ran a little cold. Deep down she knew that would have to deal with this sort of thing sooner or later, but she was hoping for later.

He smiled apologetically,

"She wants to have dinner with us."

He watched her turn away from him and walk into the kitchen.

"Look, Liv, you're allowed to say no. I'll think of something to tell her."

"No. No, we have to do it. We start acting weird and everyone we care about is in danger, not just us."

* * *

Dinner with his mother. Olivia stared at herself in the mirror the next morning. She would probably be in the courtroom today too. And Olivia would have to sit with her. It would look strange if she didn't. Olivia was no stranger to going undercover, but there was absolutely no way she was going to fool Lucia Barba. That woman was as smart as a whip. A trait she passed down to her son.

They went through their normal morning routine: putting on a happy show for Noah, taking him to school, then sitting quietly in the back of a cab on the way to court. She'd reach for his arm, or he would reach for hers. His hand was warm today. It took her by surprise when she found herself looking forward to their short walk into the building.

_Damn it. _

There he went, effortlessly working his way back into her heart. She had to work on drawing a harder line. They hadn't talked about what they were going to do after the trial was over, but she assumed a divorce was imminent. And once that was done, he would be gone – again.

Once inside, his mother found them instantly.

"Rafi, Olivia!" She made her way over to them. She felt him squeeze her hand a little tighter, as if to comfort her. She looked up at him, but he was looking at his mother. She turned and forced a smile. He let go of her hand and hugged his mother. Lucia pulled Olivia in after him.

"Shame on both of you for getting married and not telling me!" She said.

If only she knew the half of it.

"I'm sorry mami," Rafael whispered. Rafael looked over at Olivia and saw the stress hidden behind her eyes. Leaning in to whisper in her ear, he murmured, "Breathe."

His hot breath on her skin ironically made it even harder for her to breathe. He pulled back and smiled at her. She couldn't tell this time if it was for show or for her. It was beginning to get harder to tell the difference.

"Olivia, why don't you show me where we should sit?" Lucia said after silently analyzing their interaction.

"Yeah."

* * *

Rafael had to stop by his apartment to pick up a suit for the evening. He hadn't been back to his place for over a week. When he walked in, he was struck by the quiet coldness of the space. There were no decorations, no drawings from Noah, no little boy giggling and running… No Olivia. That was the one that hurt the worst. His heart clenched. It scared him how much he liked being in Olivia's life. How quickly he had gotten used to her calming presence.

After lingering by the door for a minute, he quickly walked into his bedroom, changing into the suit before immediately leaving again. He really didn't want to be in his apartment anymore.

In the cab over to her place he looked out the window and watched the buildings as they flashed by. _They had to get divorced._ He knew it was inevitable. As much as he wanted to believe that her smiles were genuine, that her fingers interlacing with his were honest, he knew that this was business to her. Another undercover operation.

She hadn't forgiven him. And, him leaving her 11 months ago, may have changed her enough that they wouldn't be able to get back to the place they were before.

Knocking on her door, he let out a breath. When she opened the door though, he wished he had it back. She was gorgeous: wearing a red gown. She was in the middle of putting her earrings in.

"Hey," Rafael finally choked out.

"Hey." She stepped aside and he walked in.

They stood there for a moment just looking at each other. He watched her eyes soften and she opened her mouth to say something but was interrupted by the ringing of her phone. She didn't move right away, but the third ring drew her away from him. He looked at his feet.

"Hey, Peter," she said into her phone. _Peter? Peter Stone?_ "Yeah. Yeah… okay. Bye."

When she hung up, she stared at her phone for a second. He noticed.

"Everything okay?"

Her head whipped up to meet his gaze, "Yeah – yeah, everything is fine."

Just then, his phone chimed. His mother. They had to go.

The cab ride was silent, as usual, but his mind was racing. Why was Peter Stone calling her? And what did her reaction mean?

* * *

"Oh, Olivia! What a beautiful dress!" Lucia gushed when they arrived at the hotel restaurant.

"Thank you, Lucia," Olivia said gracefully.

"Do you tell her she's beautiful?" Lucia said, turning to her son, "That's important, you know."

"Mami," he said uncomfortably.

"He does," Olivia interrupted, shooting him a sparkle in her eyes. Was it an act? He was having trouble telling the difference lately. He suddenly felt guilty.

He hadn't told her. Not just today, either. He had never told her she was beautiful. He certainly _thought_ it…

"Good," Lucia's eyes flashing between them. "Come on, let's go eat."

The evening passed with stories of Rafael as a child. She would look over at him and laugh as his face reddened. The sound of her laughing… It was nice to hear. Better than nice. It was a relief. He felt like a weight had been lifted.

His mother went to find the waiter at the end of the evening, leaving them alone. Her smile faded slightly. She peered down at her phone and something stopped her. Her smile was gone now. She put it back down.

"Everything okay?"

It was the second time he asked her that this evening. She simply looked up at him and didn't say anything. His mother returned. The three of them walked out together, Rafael holding Olivia's hand again.

"Rafi, why don't you go out and catch a cab?" It wasn't the subtlest of hints from his mother. Rafael glanced at Olivia, but she squeezed his hand. Silently telling him she could handle this.

"Yeah, okay."

When he was gone, Lucia turned her attention towards Olivia.

"How long are you two going to keep this up?" Lucia asked point blank.

It took Olivia by surprise. Just as she suspected, Lucia had seen straight through their act. A mother would.

"Lucia –"

"I'm not angry," she interrupted. "I know why you're doing it. And I can't thank you enough, Olivia."

"But?" Olivia inquired.

"But you're torturing him."

_Wait what?_

That was definitely not what Olivia was expecting her to say. Torturing him? More like the other way around. But Olivia tried to keep it casual.

"Well, I never meant for –"

"Oh, come on, Olivia. Look, darling, this isn't easy for him. Oh! The laughing and the shine in the eyes, and the dress. Come on! He loves you."

"No," Olivia said quickly, shaking her head, "Believe me, it's not like that."

Lucia just narrowed her eyes at the Lieutenant. Rafael walked back up to her, putting a hand on her back softly. It felt different this time. Her body reacted to his hand on her back. Her head felt cloudy.

"You ready?" He asked.

"Yeah," she breathed.

He walked over to his mother. "Mami. I love you." Lucia stared at Olivia softly over Rafael's shoulder. What was that look? Forgiveness? Pity?

She didn't know why, but when they got in the cab this time she didn't let go of his hand. Maybe she was hurting him. _Torturing_ him, as his mother had said. But she still didn't want to let go. They stayed like that all the way to her apartment. He pretended like he didn't notice, even though his heart was hammering in his chest.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven**

Today was the day. He was dreading it. Not only because today was the day his fate was decided, but also because today was the end of this charade he was keeping up with Olivia. Either way the verdict went today, their marriage was almost over. Their _marriage._ As if it was actually real.

"We the jury, find the defendant, Rafael Barba –"

Her heart could've beat out of her chest right in that moment. The last time they were in this situation together, their relationship had changed forever. She didn't know if she could go through that again.

"_Not_ guilty of all charges."

Olivia's hand went to her mouth and she breathed out the shakiest of breaths. Not guilty. It had worked. He was okay. He got to stay out of jail. He got to stay with her.

_No. _Her brain intervened. She couldn't start thinking like that. Couldn't go down that rabbit hole. She immediately felt the eyes of two men on her. Peter just stared at her, checking her reaction for authenticity. She didn't know what he expected to find. She had told him the truth about her feelings for Rafael.

The second pair of eyes cut deeper. He turned his head to the side, glancing back at her. Her heart thundered. Any reference to how things used to be did that to her. Suddenly she realized where she was. And what she should be doing right now – as his wife. She got up, rushing over to him, Lucia close behind.

She let her hug him first. Perhaps because she didn't trust herself to let go. When she did hug him though, it felt off. Just like everything else about their relationship nowadays. They hadn't been this close since he left, but it felt like she was still so far removed from him. Like there was an invisible obstacle that neither of them knew how to get past. Maybe there was…

**_Don't say it._**

She sighed pulling out of the hug. It wasn't fair that three little words could haunt her like this. His eyes looked relieved. Terrified at the same time, but relieved.

Outside the courtroom, Carisi, Fin, and Amanda caught up with them.

"Hey!" Carisi smiled widely, "We should all go out and celebrate! First round's on me."

"I'm in," Fin said, "After this case, I think we could all use a drink."

"Yeah, as long as you're buying," Amanda quipped. She was watching Olivia and Rafael though. Trying to read them.

"Liv? Barba?" Fin asked.

Rafael found himself opening his mouth, then looking over to Olivia. He really didn't feel like going out, but he would go if she did.

Fin must've caught him look to her though because he said, "Come on, she can't have you on that short a leash already!"

Olivia looked around at her squad. She just wanted to go home, see Noah, and go to sleep.

"Fin's right. You should go. Have fun. I'm just gonna pick up Noah and put him to bed."

Fin clapped his hand on Rafael's back.

"You sure?" Rafael asked.

"Yeah!" She said, trying to keep it light. "I'll see you later."

He knew that Olivia didn't mean to hurt him. She had no ill intentions by sending him out to drinks with their friends, but he couldn't help but be a little let down. This really was all business to her. Even when he thought he was making progress, it was clear now that he hadn't.

* * *

When he finally arrived back at Olivia's apartment, he found it dark and quiet. Only one lamp was left on. She probably did this because she knew he was coming home. His eyes briefly fell on the suitcase at the foot of the couch.

He would have to be packing it up pretty soon. They would have to lay low for a couple of weeks. Then, they'd stage a couple of very public fights. And before long, they'd be telling people that they decided to take a break. Which would lead to being separated. Which would lead to divorce.

And they'd be out of each other's lives. Again. She'd move on. Get on with her life. And that would be that.

He suddenly felt a wave of self-loathing wash over him for resenting her for these hypothetical decisions. Who the hell was he, not wanting her to leave him? He had absolutely _no _right to resent her for that. Not after everything she continued to do for him.

Then he heard a noise coming from down the hallway. Olivia came around the corner after a few seconds. She had clearly just rolled out of bed. Absolutely breathtaking.

"Hey, just wanted to make sure you got back okay."

She lingered awkwardly on the edge of the light that the single lamp was emitting into the dark room. They just watched each other for a few moments before she began to turn back away from him muttering gently, "Alright, well, goodnight."

Rafael swallowed thickly. _Goodnight Olivia._

* * *

Three weeks past. They had fallen into a routine, as strange as it was. Olivia had to admit it was nice having an extra set of hands around the house. Especially on the late nights when Lucy wanted to go home but there was no one else to watch Noah.

And he never complained. He never tried to get out of watching Noah. And she watched her son grow closer him. _Her husband_. She thought. Her chest hurt at the thought. It was only a matter of time now. The other shoe was going to drop. But it was one thing to let him break her heart again. That just seemed unavoidable at this point. It was entirely different allowing him to break her son's heart. That was where she drew a hard line.

So, when he started throwing the occasional item into the suitcase next to the couch, she couldn't help but feel conflicted. Rip the bandage off. A clean break. It's better in the long run.

* * *

After a particularly hard case and a particularly long shift, Olivia open the refrigerator. She was hoping to eat something and sleep for at least three hours before her son woke up and needed her attention.

Rafael was awake, sitting on the couch. She ignored him. She couldn't handle much more than that tonight.

"Liv, we need to talk." It came as barely a whisper. She almost thought she imagined it, in her exhausted state.

She turned to him. Why was he pushing this? Right now, of all times? Tonight. Right when he was on the verge of leaving her again. He stood from the couch and made his way around the back of the couch. Her eyes were already watering from exhaustion.

She opened her mouth to protest but he held up his hands cutting her off,

"I'm _sorry_."

They just stared at each other while his words sank in.

"I was trying to think of what I could say to you. What I could do to make this right and – I realized I never even..." He walked over to the other side of the counter, facing her, "I'm _sorry_, Olivia." Then, his voice dropped to barely a whisper, "I'm sorry."

**_Don't say it._**

**_Don't say it._**

"I know," she finally mustered up. It was the truth. Tonight, truth was all she had left.

"But –" she continued. He looked up at her. It struck her, how emotional his eyes looked. "You walked out of my life for 11 months, Rafael. You walked away and never even looked back. And I don't know..."

He felt his breath catch in his throat.

"I don't know if I can get past that," she finished. They let that sit there. Neither of them were angry. Their voices weren't raised; there was no anger, just heartbreak, and honesty.

"I know. I wish - I wish I could give you a good reason but - I don't have one."

"So that's it? You walk away for 11 months and you don't know why?"

"No, Liv, I - it's different... my whole life is different now. And I have no one to blame but myself, but - it doesn't change the reality that things are different now. Making peace with my situation was one thing, but having to face the people I hurt? The people I've let down? Having to reconcile that..."

He stopped, because she was looking down. She was staring at her feet, or the floor, it didn't matter which. But she wasn't looking at him. And he needed her to.

"Liv." He ducked his head trying to gently meet her gaze.

"You never had to worry about _my_ judgement." She didn't mean to say it so harshly. It just spilled out.

"I know. I just - I had to figure things out. I had to figure out who I was without that job. Who I was without you."

Her voice was nothing more than a heated whisper now.

"You never had to figure out who you were with _me_. We were a team Rafael." She wasn't going to cry. She refused. But he was ripping open an old wound. A wound that never really healed properly in the first place. And Goddamn it hurt. "And?" She questioned. "Did you find any answers?"

He looked up at the ceiling, hoping gravity would do him a favor and hold in his own tears.

"I found... clarity - somewhat. I found - that I can exist without that job. I found I - can exist without you."

Her heart was drumming in her chest.

"But maybe - I found that I don't want to..." he said quietly. Almost shyly.

His words just hung there between them.

"Well, maybe I found I can exist without you too." Olivia finally said.

"Of course, you can," he said with a small, heartwarming smile. He'd never bet against her resilience. "But do you want to?"

"No." She answered almost too quickly. "But the difference is, I never wanted to find out. You made that decision for me."

"I don't know what else to do..." he admitted. Merely saying sorry was not going to cut it.

"Me either," she locked her eyes on his. Whatever composure she had momentarily lost was back now. When she looked at him like that, he wondered if she could see right through him.

"11 months ago, when I thought about the future, you were always there," she continued, "but now, I'm able to see one without you in it."

She saw something shift in his eyes. Fear. He was scared. She almost grimaced at his pain.

"What does that mean, Liv?"

"I don't know." It was honest. The honest truth: she didn't know if they had a future together anymore.

"Okay. I - I... I have to say this. Uh - I'm in love with you."

She let out a breath and her composure as gone again. Tears rimmed her eyes. She felt a cocktail of emotions that threatened to overwhelm her. Love, anger, frustration, relief, shock...

"I know it's not ideal. But - I'm so tired of not being able to tell you." There was a brief pause. But he didn't regret it. He had to say it. He felt it in his bones. It felt like lying to not say it.

"What do you expect me to say to that?"

"I don't expect anything, Olivia." It came out as a sigh. His head fell, eyes moving to study the countertop beneath his hand. His expression made her heart hurt. Like he was so tired, he was barely holding himself together.

She found herself walking around the counter. She found her hand resting on top of his.

He looked up, "I will never be able to repay you for what you've done for me, Liv. I owe you so much more." _No, he didn't_, she thought. She never saw him as _owing_ her anything. She never thought of it like that. And she supposed she never would. "I'm just glad it wasn't all for nothing." He didn't exactly mean it as a joke, but she cracked a smile and that made him happy.

"Come here," she said wrapping her hand around his and pulling.

He hesitated, questioning her. She just gave him a small smile pulling him in for a hug. His arms wrapped around her body instantly. Strongly. Unwavering. She sighed into his embrace, burying her face into his shoulder, his neck.

It felt so unbelievably good to be able to hold her. Therapeutic. For both of them. Rafael had been unsure if he would ever be allowed to be this intimate with her ever again.

Olivia moved her fingers into his hair. His warmth radiated from him and enveloped her. She closed her eyes.

"_I_ _missed you,_" she whispered. He knew what she meant. He missed her too. And even though they had hugged earlier that day, this felt completely different.

Finally, they were being honest with each other. Finally, they were seeing each other again. Flaws and all. It didn't mean that there weren't still obstacles between them. But it did mean that they wanted to try to get past them. They weren't giving up.

"You should probably go…" Olivia finally brought herself to say. _Go? Go for tonight? Or go forever? _ She breathed it into his neck, and he swore he felt her hold him a little tighter. He wondered how he was he supposed to let her go when she did that. But he pulled back, a bit of confusion in his eyes. She noticed.

"It's getting late," she added quickly. She knew that wasn't the reason she said it.

He nodded silently.

"And I don't – wanna ruin anything…" It was just cryptic enough. Just cryptic enough that she wasn't putting her whole heart on the line. But she still hoped that he understood what she meant. _You're being a coward_, she thought. But maybe she was just being cautious too. By the soft look in his eyes, it seemed like he understood her hesitation. He nodded.

"Can I – bring you lunch tomorrow?" He watched her mouth form a small, cautious smile.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'd like that."

He grabbed his coat and drifted towards the door. She opened it for him and leaned against it. It was a simple gesture, but it drove him crazy.

"Good night, Olivia."

"Good night, Rafael."


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight**

He watched Amanda's eyes jerk up when he stepped off the elevator. Her voice never wavered as she talked to somebody on the phone, but her eyes tracked him all the way to Olivia's office.

It was his knock on the door that startled her out of her paperwork. Her head jerked up. _Crap. _She had forgotten.

"Hey," he said questioningly.

"Hey, Barba, I'm so sorry, I forgot, did I leave you waiting long?"

He simply lifted his arm, showing her the bag of take out he had brought.

"I told you I'd _bring_ you lunch, remember?"

"Right – I'm sorry, this case… it's taking everything right now."

"Do you want me to go so you can work?" He didn't want to leave, but he would for her. He wasn't going anywhere. He was going to fix this… with time. With time, he hoped she'd realize just how serious he was.

"No! No, stay." She met his eyes for the first time and gave him a small smile.

They settled in with their food. Conversation still wasn't normal, but it seemed better than before. They talked about nothing, mostly. The weather, traffic, how the new coffee cart outside the courthouse made surprisingly good coffee, but then, out of the blue, she asked,

"How are you feeling? After the trial?"

"Relieved."

It was definitely the word that best described it. He was relieved to have it behind him. Relieved to move on. To be with her again.

"Can't wait to get things back to normal."

He cursed himself as soon as he said it, and then again when he saw her flinch slightly.

"Liv, I didn't –"

"I know," she interrupted quickly.

And she did. She knew he was trying. He was beyond _trying_… he was in love with her. He had said so himself. And that scared the hell out of her. Not because she didn't love him back. That wasn't even up for debate. She loved him whether she wanted to or not. The question that kept her up at night was, was she ready to trust him yet? Was she ready to put her heart on the line?

"And what's _normal_? What have you been up to?" She kept it light. She almost couldn't believe they hadn't had this conversation yet. He had been back for almost a month and a half. Hell, they had been married for nearly a month, and they hadn't even gotten this far.

"Oh, the occasional guest lecture at NYU, mostly working as legal aid for a non-profit back in Brooklyn."

So that was where he had been all this time. 30 minutes away from her and she didn't even know it…

"Not nearly as flashy as a Manhattan ADA, but I like it," he cracked one of his signature smiles and she smiled back at him slowly. She was still cautious of this feeling. Of the hope building up inside her.

"Maybe getting away from all this," her hand moving to the papers she had been shuffling earlier, "isn't all bad… This job – case after case…"

She trailed off. He could tell she was thinking something dark. He ducked his head,

"Liv? Liv – hey," he got up and walked around her desk, ducking on his knee so he could see her face. But just then there was a knock on her door: Fin and Amanda.

"I thought you were supposed to do that _before _the marriage," Fin joked with a smile. Rafael stood and moved away from Olivia. She was back to being all business in a matter of seconds.

"What do you have?" She asked,

"We have another possible victim. She just came in, says she wants to speak to whoever's in charge," Amanda said, "I put her in the conference room."

"Okay, Fin, let's take this one together," Olivia said, standing from her desk. She turned to Rafael, "I'm so sorry, Rafael, I –"

"Don't worry about it. Go." He smiled tightly, still worried about her.

She walked out of her office, Fin following close behind, but Amanda lingered.

"Rollins?" Rafael questioned.

She didn't look angry, but almost… contemplative, but she just simply turned following Liv and Fin out the door.

* * *

Amanda knocked quietly on her door jam, "Hey."

Olivia looked up at her. She was packing up to leave for the day. A very, very long day.

"Hey."

"Uh –" Amanda paused awkwardly, checking behind her, before closing the door to Olivia's office.

"What's going on, Rollins?"

"Look, Liv, I know it's really none of my business, okay?"

"What is it Amanda?" The detective paused again.

"This – this comes from no place resembling a high horse, okay, believe me. But… He's gonna hurt you again." Amanda dropped her eyes to the floor, reaching behind her for the door handle as if she wanted to make a quick escape. "He's gonna hurt you again and you don't owe him anything, Liv."

Amanda made her getaway silently.

Olivia's stomach turned slightly. She wasn't mad at Amanda at all. And it wasn't because Olivia didn't believe her - in fact, it was precisely because she _did_.

* * *

Olivia was a little relieved that Rafael was spending the evening at his apartment tonight. She needed some time to think and when he was around, she couldn't think _clearly_. Her feelings for him, and her desire for his familiarity made it impossible for her to be logical. And tonight, she needed to be logical.

Amanda's warning was certainly a bit of a wake-up call. Olivia swore she wouldn't let herself start down the slippery slope of letting him back into her life; she swore that he wouldn't get to her. But he did. He got to her. More than that: he laid his feelings out on the line for her. And she hadn't given him much back. Guilt hit her suddenly. She never really considered how difficult that must've been for him.

Olivia poured herself a glass of wine and sighed.

_If _she did take a chance… _if _she did let him back into her life… what would that mean? What would the consequences be? Would they be _more _than they were in the past? Was she ready for that? It would be a lie to say that she never thought about over the 6 years they had known each other. What it would like… to be more than just friends with Rafael. But she always abandoned those thoughts because having him in her professional life always had to come first. But now… Now their professional relationship didn't exist. And maybe that was actually for the best.

She _did _want him. But she had never had such complex feelings for anyone in her life. And she didn't know what to do with them. In past relationships, she had thrown caution to the wind. Maybe not very often, but it wasn't unheard of. But with Rafael – she couldn't. She couldn't go through the past 11 months again.

And Amanda was right: what made her think he wouldn't just leave again? She never saw it coming the first time either. And on top of everything else, there was Noah to think about. He had missed Rafael so much when he first left. First his grandmother, then his uncle… he was confused and hurt, and there was nothing Olivia could really say to him.

She walked over to the couch and flipped up the blanket and sheet that he had been using for his bed. A small piece of paper went flying and landed by her feet on the floor.

_The Cuomo Gala_

Why did that sound so familiar?


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter Nine**

"I can tie any tie you ask me to, with my eyes closed, but I swear, I cannot figure out this thing," Rafael said, partially under his breath.

He was standing in the crib at the police station, holding a wire in his hand, looking completely frustrated. Olivia couldn't help but smile at his confusion as she closed the door and strode over to him, high heels clicking.

He looked up, watching her as she made her way over to him. The floor length dress made him pause. Her beauty always shocked him.

"Here," she said, taking the wire from him and helping him place it on his undershirt. He watched her brow furrow as her hand came into contact with this chest. He briefly wondered if she felt his heart beating uncontrollably. It was so hard to read how she felt about him these days.

When he had told her he was in love with her, he didn't expect her to reciprocate. And even though they seemed so out of sync lately, he could still tell that she was trying. She was working through something. Part of him worried that it had nothing to do with him. Part of him feared it had something to do with Peter Stone.

Her fingers glided over his shirt, flattening the wire. Her hands stopped, handing him the tiny transmission box.

"It clips to the back of your belt."

It was then that she finally made eye contact with him. Olivia was more than a little aware of how close they were in the dark, quiet room. His hair, perfectly combed back, tuxedo jacket and dress shirt resting on the bed next to them.

**_Don't say it. _**Rang through her head again, but she shook it off this time. But _h__e _had said it. He was reaching out to her. He was – waiting for her, now. She watched him swallow and reach back, clipping the box to his waistline. He bent over reaching for his white dress shirt.

Olivia shook her head a little. Tonight, was about business. Whatever she was feeling for Rafael would have to wait until after they caught Danner.

"Okay, walk me through this one more time," he said, pulling his white dress shirt on and beginning to do up the buttons.

"Danner is only interested in high profile cliental. He uses these galas to meet potential cliental, they put the cash up front, and Danner 'arranges' out-of-state guests of these parties to hotels –"

"Where the girls are waiting for them. Making the connection back to Danner harder to make…" He picked up his bow tie and swung it around the back of his neck.

"Exactly." It made her smile to know that they still could finish each other's sentences. She watched as he effortlessly tied the tie mindlessly.

He was right.

"And you're not worried that anyone is going to make you for a cop at this thing? You're not exactly low profile, being the head of SVU."

"Rollins and Fin handled the interrogation, so Danner has technically never seen me. Plus, I have a pretty good cover for being there."

She smiled, eyebrows raised. It was true. It would've looked somewhat strange if he had gone to this thing alone anyway. He smiled back at her before reaching for his tux jacket throwing it on and adjusting the sleeves. Rafael gave the bow tie one last adjustment before he noticed her staring at him. It made his heart race a little.

"What?" He smirked, "Good?"

"Good." It came out as just above a breathy whisper, which surprised both of them.

* * *

Rafael squeezed her hand as they walked into the main banquet hall at the gala. He could sense her stress. Not so much about going undercover, but more about the politics and optics at these sorts of events. She turned her head and looked at him for a moment. She was also worried about the op. More specifically, about bringing a civilian into danger. Despite working with law and enforcement for years, Rafael was truly a civilian. And Danner was a serious criminal. There was a string of bodies connected to his operation.

"Now what?" Rafael mumbled as they stopped to take in the enormity of the room they were in.

"_Now you wait and look pretty until the prick shows up," _Fin's voice muttered into both of their ears. Olivia had insisted they give Rafael and mic and headset as well. She wanted to be able to talk to him no matter what happened, and an extra set of eyes never hurt.

They smiled a little at Fin's joke.

"Yep…" Olivia said, looking around at all of the fancy dresses and posh people wearing them. She turned to him, sliding her arm around his, "Shall we?"

It was sarcastic, but you wouldn't have known. Not unless you knew. It made his heart flutter a little. He loved her. He loved every little nuance, and every little detail. He loved her to the point of frustration.

The evening was filled with empty conversation and surprised faces as Rafael told them that he was now married. He had to stop himself from rolling his eyes. These people wouldn't have gotten an invitation to his wedding anyway. Most of them were just friends of friends, or people he buttered-up in hopes of collecting a favor from them when SVU needed it. It was all politics.

"Well, Rafael, Olivia, you know you're welcome on Conrad and my yacht anytime!" One of them said, laughing.

"_Conrad? Really?" _Fin's voice sounded again.

"_Fin!" _Amanda yelled and then cut out.

Olivia had to hold back from laughing as they turned and walked away.

"You should've _seen_ the guy," Olivia quipped, knowing that Fin, Amanda, and Carisi would hear her. She turned to Rafael, "Where do you know them from anyway?"

"Friends of the mayor," he said simply.

"Oh, is that all?" Olivia smiled back at him. Her joking gave him pause. A month ago, she could barely stand to be in the same room as him, and now…

"Anything yet?" Olivia mumbled under her breath.

"_Nah, nothing. Hope Danner's not late to his own party," _Carisi sighed.

"He won't be. Trust me."

Maybe it was the slow waltz music playing but Olivia felt an uncontrollable rush of butterflies swell up in her. She looked over at Rafael trying her best to exude confidence. She wondered if he saw straight through it. If he did, he didn't let on. He just smiled gently.

"You wanna dance?" He asked quietly, but confidently. He didn't really care that the rest of a squad could hear him. He didn't really care that they weren't really alone. Telling her how he felt was very freeing in so many ways. Even if she could never feel the same way about him, it felt like he had no more insecurities. He felt like he could tell her anything again. He felt like he could ask her to dance with him, for everyone to see. And he felt like no matter what her feelings were, it was okay. Everything was on the table. Everything was out in the open.

She didn't want to live without him. She had said so herself. And that was _more _than enough for now.

A ghost of a smile graced her lips and she grabbed his hand, pulling him out to the floor. He wrapped his arms around her waist, and he felt her arms rest on his shoulders.

**_What are you going to be doing when you're 85?_**

His voice echoed in her head. For the first time since February, she knew exactly what she _wanted_ to be doing when she was 85. She had told him that she could see a future without him in it… but that image was fading rapidly.

Rafael's eyes focused on hers for a moment and he saw something in them that sent his brain spinning. The look in her eyes, he had never seen. What was that? Desperation didn't seem right. It was something else… He wanted to ask her so badly, but they weren't alone. They had a job to do. They had to catch this son of bitch, first.

The realization hit her like a brick wall. It didn't mean that she had _forgiven _him per say – it just meant that she was ready to take the chance. She wanted to tell him right then and there, but she knew she would have to wait a few more hours, so she pulled him even closer, pressing her cheek against his.

**_Squabbling with you?_**

**_Wouldn't that be nice…_**

It's like he knew too, because he rubbed her back a little as they swayed to the music. It was a silent comfort and understanding.

Rafael heard the next song begin and then felt a tap on his shoulder. Olivia pulled back first, looking past him. Rafael turned around.

"Think I could borrow your – wife – for a moment?" Peter Stone asked. Even though he lingered on the word 'wife,' there wasn't nearly as much distain in his voice as there was during the trial. Rafael just looked at him for a moment, before stepping away from Olivia, shooting her a quick glance. She watched him walk to the side of the room blending in with the crowd.

"Peter –" Olivia started, she knew that anything he said, the whole squad would hear it… Rafael would hear it.

"I'm not here to fight with you, Olivia."

She paused and decided to change what she was going to say,

"I didn't even know you were going to be here tonight."

"Mayor is a fan."

She raised her eyebrows at him.

"Of the Cubs," he finished. "I didn't think you'd be here either."

"Yeah, Rafael was invited…" She paused to look at him. He wasn't making eye contact. "Peter, what do you need to say?"

He whipped his head to look at her. After another long pause,

"I reported you to the DA. They're going to open an investigation into the both of you."

Olivia pulled back from him slightly, "What?"

"I shouldn't even be talking to you or Barba, I'm here as a curtesy."

"Oh, so I should be thanking you - Why are you doing this Peter?" She always wondered if Peter Stone had grown to need her in more of a personal way than a professional one. She never saw him romantically, but as of late, she started to see him as a little brother; someone she needed to protect. She saw the damage that he was dealing with. And she saw the damage he was doing to himself as well. And even though he wouldn't say it out loud, maybe he liked that protection more than he was willing to admit. Maybe there was more to this than Olivia and Rafael just bending the law.

Peter smiled painfully, "Because I must."

"Peter –" Olivia appealed again. Maybe she should've let it go, but she didn't.

"I know you love him, Olivia, but that does not justify breaking the law –"

"We did not break the law –"

"Save it – look. Like I said: I'm not here to fight with you."

She briefly looked at Peter, studying his face. He was holding something back.

"What do you really want, Peter?"

"I want to give you a chance – to save yourself. If you get out in front of this, you don't have to take any of the blame."

Olivia pulled back completely this time.

Anger was rising in her chest, "You want me to betray him?"

"I want you to do what's best for _you_."

"I _am_ doing what's best for me."

"I don't want to see you –" Peter stopped. He was beginning to yell. He was pretty sure someone looked over at them. He took a deep breath and leaned closer to her to whisper, "I don't want to see you –"

"With him," Olivia interrupted, finishing his sentence. It was in that moment that Olivia realized how wrong she had been about Peter's feelings toward her. He sighed and looked away. Olivia's distain shifted when she saw him look so defeated. Guilt crept in.

"Peter… I –"

He turned back to look at her, but she didn't really know what to say.

"Don't worry about it." And he swept away into the crowd.


	10. Chapter10

**Chapter Ten**

Olivia made her way in the direction of where she last saw Rafael. There was complete silence by the whole squad. They knew they all had just heard something that was never meant for them.

Olivia was more worried about what Rafael had heard though. When they were dancing, before Peter had even walked up to her, something had shifted in her mind. It felt like she finally let go completely of the anger and resentment she had towards him. _Would what Peter said make him think twice about her? Does he think she felt the same way?_ She hoped not. But he was nowhere to be found. She briefly wondered if he left.

"Still got eyes out there?" She said under her breath, scanning the room for both Danner and Rafael.

"_Yeah, still nothing, Liv." _Amanda's voice rang in her ear, "_Oh, wait. We got him. Coming in the side door. East side."_

Olivia turned her head and watched the door swing open. Flanked on either side by two body guards Casey Danner, walked into the party.

"Got him," Olivia mumbled, walking closer to the door. Whatever worries she had about Rafael would have to wait.

* * *

Olivia watched as Danner showed an older man out the back door. Olivia updated the squad.

"_We're on his tail, Liv. As soon as we get the proof, we'll let you know," _Fin said.

"As _soon_ as you do, Fin. I'm not letting this guy get away again," Olivia muttered with distain.

Then she saw Rafael making his way over to her. One look at his eyes and she knew something was bothering him. But she also saw that he was not going to bring it up now. They both silently agreed to talk later.

"Hey, happening now?" Rafael said quickly. She could've smiled at how he reverted back to business. He used to talk fast when he was excited by a case.

"Yeah," Olivia said, pointing with her eyes. Rafael glanced in that direction and quickly turned back to her.

"Are you sure they haven't made you?" Rafael asked, grabbing a champagne glass from a passing waiter.

"I've been doing this for a long time, Barba," She said with a questioning smile. The use of his surname delivered the message.

"Right… got it."

Olivia smiled at this.

"_Alright, Liv, take him down. We have more than enough."_

Olivia moved into action, towards Danner, but he was already heading for the door. Someone somehow had tipped him off. She broke into a run, following him.

If it wasn't for Amanda opening the van door at the strategic time, Olivia might not have made the arrest. She pulled Danner up, throwing him against the side of the van.

"You're going to regret this, bitch!" He yelled from the back of a squad car.

Olivia rolled her eyes with disgust and leaned down so she was face to face with him "I doubt it," she whispered.

* * *

Plenty of lights and sirens filled the following hour. Olivia had gone back inside the gala to talk to Dodds. After a long brief, Dodds finally agreed to call it a night.

"I should go to the station and monitor the interrogation," Olivia insisted.

"No, Lieutenant, go home. The interrogation will wait until morning. Let Danner stew overnight. Go at him when you're fresh tomorrow." Dodds walked out the door and Olivia let a breath out, closing her eyes briefly.

She immediately looked around for Rafael. She wondered if he was still even there. She hadn't seen him since she ran after Danner.

Rafael was sitting at an empty chair near the corner of the room. He watched her talking with Dodds. He smiled. He loved that she was so passionate about her job. He watched Dodds walk away and he almost jumped up from his seat to go over to her, but decided to wait a minute instead. She took a deep breath, leaning her head back with exhaustion. Suddenly, as if something had just occurred to her, her head begin to look around.

It took her a couple of seconds, but her eyes eventually landed on him. They softened, but she still looked stressed. Stressed and tired. She began to saunter over to him.

Rafael stood up to meet her.

"I can't believe you're still here."

He didn't say anything. He just looked at her, a tight smiled on his lips. She knew he wasn't angry. But she knew she owed him an explanation. Well, maybe she didn't _owe _him anything, but she wanted to give him an explanation. She wanted to work things out with him. Work _everything_ out.

"You wanna get out of here?" Olivia said a bit sarcastically tilting her head to the side. She knew it would make him smile.

Rafael laughed a little, "Yeah."

They walked silently to the main door. Olivia looked up to see Amanda and Carisi walking over to their squad car, Fin talking on the phone.

Then everything became muted. Like she was suddenly underwater. She suddenly became aware of her eyes becoming blurry, as if the night became day in a matter of seconds. There were bright flashes. She thought she heard people screaming but they had to be far away. Everything was so muted and blurry. Her eyes couldn't focus, her ears were ringing. It took her a couple of seconds, to finally whip her head to check on Rafael. To ask him what was happening.

But he was on the stone steps that they had just been walking down. Covered in his own blood.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter Eleven**

Olivia felt her vision tunnel, her hearing felt like she was underwater. She barely even heard Amanda calling for an ambulance, or Fin telling her to let him take over. She saw her hands covered in blood, putting pressure on the wound. But it didn't seem to slow down the blood. The warmth of it made her sick. She watched as it pooled underneath where he was laying.

The look in his eyes haunted her. How many times had she seen that look in a gunshot victim's eyes? But it wasn't just any other gunshot victim. This was Rafael. She could read him better than anyone else. There was something more behind his eyes. Like he wanted to say something, but he was slipping. His eyes began to close.

"Rafael, don't close your eyes! Rafael!"

"Liv, the ambulance is here!" Amanda yelled running over to her. She noticed Olivia didn't hear her so Amanda got down to talk to Olivia face to face. "Liv. Liv, let them work."

Olivia was whispering underneath her breath. Amanda wrapped her arms around Olivia's shoulders and pulled her away. "Olivia, let them take him!"

It took everything Amanda had to hold her back, but she did. She held her boss back while they lifted him onto a gurney and put him in the ambulance. Olivia began to fight back. Trying to stand from her knees and follow the paramedics into the ambulance.

"Liv, Liv, Liv," Amanda tried to pull her back down.

"I have to go with them Amanda! Let me go."

"Liv, I'll take you to the hospital. I'll take you. Okay?"

Olivia stopped fighting then. The doors closed on the ambulance and she watched it drive off into the night. Amanda brought her to her feet and walked with her over to the squad car. Before they got there Carisi came running, out of breath.

"We lost him, Lieu. It's like he disappeared."

Olivia couldn't really think about that right now. She couldn't really process it. Her mind was racing, and she couldn't get it to calm down long enough to focus on anything. Rafael was shot. He was just shot in front of her and she knew that it was her fault. She shouldn't have brought him into this operation.

It had to be a hit. Someone specifically targeting SVU. Danner had cronies everywhere. It was not beyond him to hire a hit just make a point.

"I'm going to take her to the hospital," Amanda told Fin and Carisi.

"Okay! We'll follow," Fin said, throwing the keys to Carisi.

The rush of energy that Olivia had just a few minutes ago had almost disappeared. She barely got herself out of Amanda's car without stumbling. The detective rushed around the car and braced Olivia.

"Come on."

They walked into the hospital together. Olivia knew what this evening entailed. Lots of sitting in stuffy waiting rooms. Lots of stale coffee. But mostly, lots of wondering if her life was about to change forever.

He was alive when she handed him off to the paramedics. She had done her job. Olivia raised her hands to her face, forgetting that they were covered in blood. She quickly looked down at them. Amanda noticed.

"Come on, let's go get you cleaned up," Amanda said gently. She braced her Lieutenant's shoulders and walked her down the hallway into the closest bathroom.

Olivia briefly acknowledged the surprise of the woman's face who was washing her hands at one of the sinks when they walked in. Amanda smiled tightly at her gesturing subtlety to the badge on her belt.

It always surprised Olivia just how hard it was to get blood off her hands. A fact that no one should really have to know but unfortunately, one that she was all too familiar with. The smell made her sick to her stomach.

After about 10 minutes of scrubbing her hands, Amanda lead her back down the hallway.

"Liv, here sit, I'll found out as much as I can about Barba."

"No, I'm coming with you."

Amanda opened her mouth to protest.

Olivia head was cloudy. The lights and sounds were overwhelming her. What if she never got to talk to him again? What if she was too proud or damaged or selfish to have never told him how much he meant to her? What if she spent so much time holding on to the anger she felt towards him, that the universe made her let go?

Carisi and Fin came around the corner then. Amanda took the opportunity to find the doctor.

"Lieu! Any news?"

Olivia sank into a chair, all the fight she had was gone. She wasn't ready to let him go. Especially knowing that this time it wasn't his choice to leave her. He wanted to stay, and he might not be able to anymore.

"No… no," Olivia said shaking her head. She closed her eyes. This couldn't be happening. How could this be happening?

"You want a coffee? I'm gonna find us some coffees!" Carisi was gone as quickly as he had came. He never was good at sitting still. Fin smirked a little at Carisi in hope that it would make Olivia smile. She did, but not for long. Then her smile went right back to worry. She leaned over, resting her elbows on her knees, her face in her slightly stained hands.

"Aren't you going to give me a motivation speech – tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself?"

"No." Fin said, simply.

Olivia briefly looked over at him sitting next to her. Fin always had a way of making her feel better just by being himself.

An hour and a half had past and Olivia had only finished half of the coffee that Carisi had gotten for her. It was cold now and Olivia was losing her appetite more and more the longer she sat there.

Olivia glanced over at her squad as they silently sat with her. Sure, they were there for Rafael, after all, they had _also_ been friends with him for years… but she knew that when he left, her squad stood behind her.

Amanda appeared around the corner. She had busied herself by demanding updates every half an hour or so. Olivia raised her eyebrows,

"Anything?"

"Nurse said last he heard he was still in surgery," Amanda tried to say gently. She was walking on eggshells, hoping Liv wouldn't be upset.

Olivia simply looked back at the floor. Her mind was spinning. How was this happening? If he didn't pull through this… if she never got to talk to him again, laugh with him again… she wasn't sure she'd be able to live with that regret.

"You guys should go home. It's already been a long night and it might be a long time _here_."

"Fin, Carisi, you should go," Amanda said.

"You sure?" Fin asked pointedly at Olivia. Carisi looked at her too, eyebrows pinched in worry.

"Yeah, guys, go."

They lingered for a minute before bidding their goodbyes and walking down the hallway together. Olivia turned back to staring at the floor.

"You too, Amanda. You should go. Get some sleep."

"I'm not going anywhere," she said slowly.

"I'm serious. I'll be okay."

"Liv – just – let me do this for you. Please."

Olivia turned to Amanda to look in her eyes. Something registered in her brain. Amanda's voice sounded pained. Guilty. How could she possibly be guilty?

"Amanda… This is not on you." Olivia said in slight confusion.

"I know… I know… I just – I could tell that you love him, and I still tried to steer you away. I'm sorry, Liv."

Olivia opened her mouth to refute her statement. But closed it again. Of course, she loved him. And Amanda could read her very well. Olivia always felt strangely protective of the younger woman.

When she had first arrived at SVU, Olivia was not ready for a new partner. Amanda was fresh-faced and eager, and Olivia was not ready. But something unexpected happened. Amanda began to grow on her. She began to realize that she wasn't as fresh-face and innocent as she first came off. She had her own ghosts, her own problems, and first and foremost, she was a good, crafty cop. She was good at her job. And she was a good balance for Olivia. Amanda called Olivia out sometimes. She pushed her to be a better detective.

Olivia had nothing but the utmost respect for Amanda's opinions. Which is why her guilt was so upsetting.

"It's in the past."

It was a simple but comforting response. With everything that they had been through together, Amanda knew that she wasn't going to lose her friend.

A woman holding a clipboard walked up to the waiting area.

"Mrs. Barba?"

Both Amanda and Olivia's heads whipped up to the woman. She stood there awkwardly, unsure of which woman she should be talking to.

"Are one of you -" she looked at her clipboard, "Rafael Barba's wife?"

"Uh -" Olivia began, standing up. "I'm Lieutenant Benson. I'm his wife. How is he doing?"

"He's doing fine. He lost quite a bit of blood. He's still bleeding. The doctor is going to watch him overnight and see if the bleeding resolves itself. If it doesn't, he might need another surgery."

"Can I see him?" Olivia whispered. She understood the seriousness of a gunshot wound. She knew that he wasn't completely in the clear yet. But she needed to see him, in the flesh.

"Of course."


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter Twelve**

"If the bleeding resolves itself, he will probably wake up in the morning," the woman said as she led Olivia into Rafael's room.

Olivia felt her entire body relax as she saw him lying there. He didn't exactly look _good,_ but just being able to physically see him… it felt like, if she could keep him in her sight, she would know that he would be okay.

"Would you like me to get a cot set up for you? So you can spend the night?"

"Uh – uh, yeah… thank you." Olivia was in somewhat of a daze. She just wanted to sit with him. Well, she really wanted him to wake up so she could talk to him. But for now, she'd take just sitting here.

When the woman was gone, the room was silent. Just the comforting beeping of Rafael's heart monitor. She stood there a little awkwardly just watching the monitor. Looking around the room, she dragged a chair over to the side of his bed. Olivia was reluctant to reach for his hand, aware of how cliché all of this was.

She didn't want to be in this situation, but nothing could change that fact that they were. She silently sat with him for at least two hours before she couldn't keep her eyes open anymore.

* * *

It was jarring. Waking up in a completely new place. Slipping out of anesthesia. He was confused and tired and his whole world was a cloudy, blurry, dream. It was jarring. The dim light in the room hurt his eyes the first few times he tried to open them. He wanted to open them. He wanted to know what was going on. But the anesthesia was pulling at him.

_Olivia._

It was all he could think about. She was standing right next to him when it happened. He remembered being shot. He remembered the horror in her eyes. It scared him. He didn't like seeing her like that. When Olivia Benson panicked things were not good...

Time must have passed, but he couldn't tell how much. When he tried to open his eyes again, the light didn't bother him so much. The first thing he saw was the ceiling. He turned his head to the side. Olivia. She was right there. Eyes closed, leaning back in the large, padded hospital chair. He was relieved. She was the person he wanted to see most at this moment. And she was okay. Whatever had happened to him, didn't happen to her.

"You wanna get out of here?"

Olivia's eyes opened quickly. She leaned forward, staring intensely at him. He couldn't help but smile. She shook her head slightly in happy amazement. Did he really just say what she thought he did?

"What?" It came as a whisper. "Rafael, hey. You awake?"

"You get the guy?" He fully opened his eyes now. Olivia's intense stare dropped at this.

"We're going to… He's not gonna get away with this. I can promise you that."

"Liv, Liv… it's okay…" She didn't look convinced, so he reached for her hand. She gave it to him. "I'm just glad we're both here."

Olivia smiled softly at him and opened her mouth to say something, but was interrupted by the young nurse,

"Mr. Barba looks like your body did some hard work last night and resolved most of that bleeding by itself. That's great," she began writing in his chart, "means you won't need another surgery."

Olivia squeezed his hand.

"When do you think I can get out of here?" Barba asked the nurse.

"Hey, Rafael, don't worry about that right now," Olivia said quickly.

"You should listen to your wife. Just try to rest. We'll reassess in the evening. I'll be right back, okay?" With that she was gone, and they were alone again.

She wasn't making eye contact with him. Instead she was simply staring at their hands, clasped together. He knew what she was thinking. At least, he thought he did. She was probably blaming herself… feeling guilty… but there was something more. He didn't even want to think it, because he could feel the hope swelling up in him.

_No. _

Just the fact that she let him back into her life should be enough. Just being able to be with her should be enough. Just being her friend…

But it wasn't.

_It wasn't enough. _

He knew it. To some degree, it had never been enough. But now, without that professional relationship being an obstacle, his desire for her was even more. And Rafael could feel that hope swelling up in his chest looking at her conflicted face.

"This. Is not your fault, Liv," he said slowly, hoping that it would sink in.

"You were standing right next to me. I – I had my arm wrapped around yours… That bullet was not meant for you."

Rafael dropped his eyes. She was right. He had thought about the fact that he probably wasn't the target. And if he was, it was probably an attempt to send Olivia a message. But her feeling responsible was unacceptable.

"You already thought of that-" She whispered stiffly.

"You did not pull that trigger, Olivia."

Just as promised, the nurse shuffled back into Rafael's room. He cursed her timing. He and Olivia held each other's gaze for a long moment.

"Mrs. Barba –"

"Lieutenant Benson," Rafael stated calmly. It made her smile quietly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Lieutenant, visiting hours are over for now. You can come back later this evening if you'd like."

Olivia stood up, complying to the young lady's request.

"Of course…"

**_Squabbling with you?_**

**_Wouldn't that be nice…_**

This time they weren't distant voices from the past. They were screams tearing through her brain. This wasn't how she wanted to do this. She didn't want the first time she told him she loved him to be while she was being ushered out of his hospital room by a 20-something nurse. But it felt wrong to just walk out. Olivia lingered for a moment just staring at him. He looked back at her. She could tell that he was silently trying to read her mind. Gauge her.

She felt a lump forming in her throat and, reaching out to push some hair away from his face, she softly kissed his forehead.

It was quick. The gesture probably looked completely normal to the nurse. But Rafael knew what she was trying to say. She was closing the circle. Bringing everything back to the moment where he had done the exact same thing to her that day in February.

"I'll be back later, okay?" She said in a whisper.

* * *

The doctor was there already when Olivia walked back into Rafael's hospital room.

"Hello," the doctor said to her as she walked over to the side of Rafael's bed.

"Hi, I'm Lieutenant Olivia Benson," she stuck her hand out.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize that you were going to be questioning him right now. I can come back –"

"No!" Olivia interrupted, "I'm actually – we're married."

"Right," the doctor said with an embarrassed smile, looking down at the papers he was holding. "I'm sorry."

Olivia waved her hand and sat down next to Rafael's bed.

"Like I was saying, I'm very pleased with how your recovery. You got extremely lucky, Mr. Barba. We're going to have you spend the next two nights here and try to discharge you in about 48 hours."

Rafael watched Olivia's widen a little at this. Not with surprise but with worry. He turned his attention back to the doctor. He was writing something in the chart.

"Normally this is the part where I ask if you have a good support system and someone who can act as a caregiver until you're back on your feet…" He looked over at Olivia.

"Of course, yeah," Olivia said responded immediately, eyes wide with intensity.

Rafael tensed at this. This was never part of the deal. She already married him to protect him from going to prison, she already forgave him when he arguably didn't deserve it, she already gave up her couch and changed her life for him for the past month and a half – taking care of him after an injury as serious as this one was a burden she shouldn't have to bare. He held his tongue. He couldn't blow their cover. He would have to wait until they were alone.

"Great, the nurse will be in today and tomorrow and will handle the discharge. You'll have to keep the surgical scar dry until you come back in next week. Take things slow. No heavy lifting, no endurance hikes around the block, no stairs. Take things slow. That includes intimacy."

Olivia's eyes whipped over to the doctor. Anywhere but Rafael's eyes. She felt a rush of heat and a thumping in her chest. _Jesus._ She wasn't a teenager. She worked to get control of herself and dared a glance over at Rafael. The doctor looked up one last time before bidding them a good day and leaving the room.

There was a silence in the room after he left. One that Rafael broke,

"You're not responsible for taking care of me…

"Barba –"

"You are not on the hook for this, Liv."

"Don't be ridiculous, Barba. You're coming home with me, end of story."

He shook his head in frustration. But neither of them pushed it any further. She couldn't understand what his problem was. Did he not understand that she was not about to let him out of her sight? She needed to make sure he was okay – personally. No way was he going to go home alone right now. Not with their past dancing around her head, not with so many things she wanted to say on the tip of her tongue.

* * *

Two days later, Rafael was noticeably quiet as she drove him back to her apartment. They were both hard-headed and stubborn. She could tell he was still upset about this arrangement. And she knew it was her fault that he didn't understand the extent of her feelings. After all, _she never told him_. Olivia knew he could read her better than anyone, but everyone had their limits.

Rafael was nearly out of breath just getting from the car to the elevator. He leaned against the side of the box for balance, intentionally not looking over at Olivia. Of course, he was grateful for what she was doing for him. He _did_ need help. The short walk into the building was proof. But that wasn't the point. He was so sick of Olivia supporting him and not having anything to give back. Olivia was leaning with her back against the opposite side of the elevator. Her arms were crossed, staring at him. His frustration didn't worry her much. As long as his heart was beating in his chest – that's all she cared about in the moment.

Opening the door, Olivia immediately shed her coat and went to help Rafael through the door. It made him feel pathetic, how little he could do on his own.

"Here, let's get you to my bedroom," Olivia whispered.

His heart sped up. He couldn't help it. Of course, she wasn't talking about _that_, but he still couldn't help it.

"What are you talking about? I already have the couch set up."

"You think I'm going to make a gunshot victim sleep on a 10-year-old couch? No, you get my bed, come on."

"Liv –"

"Please don't fight me on this." She suddenly sounded desperate. She reached her hand out to usher him down the hall toward her bedroom, but he didn't move.

"I hate this. I hate this, Liv."

"Can't we just do this one thing without fighting? Please?"

"I'm so sick of feeling like a burden."

"You're my husband," she threw back at him pointedly.

"Liv, don't. Okay? All you ever do is give to other people. All I'm asking you to do is think about yourself for once."

Olivia stood shaking her head, walking over to him, as he refused to come to her. "Are you kidding me, Rafael? You think I'm doing this out of some twisted sense of obligation?"

"Frankly… yes. You have been changing everything in your life for me, and –"

"And I would do it again!"

Rafael was silenced by her raised voice. He knew better than to interrupt her.

"What? Do you think I would do this for just anybody? You think I'm doing this because I promised to _have you _and to _hold you_ in sickness and in health? This is – this is _not – that_, Rafa."

_Rafa_

His heart beat uncontrollably as he heard his nickname for the first time since he came back into her life. A nickname that only she was allowed to use. An overwhelming sense of love swelled in his chest. He wanted nothing more than to stop her from hurting. She was now mere inches from him. He noticed, that with her heels off, he had an inch on her. She stared at the anguish on his face. His eyes were burning, eyebrows furrowed.

"Then _what_ is this, Liv? What is this – that we're doing?"

**_Don't say it._**

**_Don't say it._**

**_Don't say it._**

Her eyes dropped to his chest. She couldn't look at him when he was staring at her like that. Eyes full of love. Full of desire. She wasn't an idiot. She could see that desire and longing in his eyes. Ever since he told her he was in love with her. Actually, long before that. Years before that.

"I know – I know I'm not good at talking about my feelings, okay? And - maybe, I don't know exactly what _this_ is. But if I've ever - been in love… it's with you."

When she looked back up at him, her eyes were completely filled with tears. He watched as one fell down her cheek and she quickly wiped it away, smiling tightly. He swallowed hard.

Every old conversation came back like a tidal wave as she waited for him to respond.

**_You opened my heart… and I thank you for that._**

**_What are you going to be doing when you're 85?_**

**_Squabbling with you?_**

**_Wouldn't that be nice?_**

**_Disenchanted?_**

**_Don't say it._**

**_I've got to move on…_**

"Come here," he said opening his arms.

"I'll hurt you," she said back in a small voice, gesturing to his surgical scar. This was the most vulnerable Olivia Benson that he had ever seen.

"You won't."

"Rafa –"

"You won't," he said adamantly.

After a brief moment of conflict, she closed the space between them, letting him wrap his arms around her and wrapping her arms around him as gently as possible. Of course, it hurt. But she didn't need to know that. He felt her tears on the sleeve of his shirt.

"I love you," he whispered into her hair.


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter Thirteen**

Rafael closed his eyes tightly. He was trying his best not to think about the fact that Olivia was sleeping on her own couch in the next room. Trying to convince himself that, as badly as he may want to, it would be a bad idea to invite her to sleep in the bed with him.

But how could he not think about it? She just told him that she loved him. He couldn't believe that actually happened. He felt a smile creep across his face. She loved him.

After he held her for a while, she sent him to bed. Told him that he needed to lay down and relax. He didn't want to relax, though. He wanted her back in his arms. He wanted to tell her that he was going to be okay. He wanted to make sure that she wasn't worrying. But he couldn't. His heart told him to jump in, but his brain told him to hang back. Don't move this too fast. Be patient.

* * *

She couldn't sleep. And it wasn't the bumpy nature of the couch. It wasn't the hum of the refrigerator or the glow of the city through the thin window blinds; it was the man sleeping down the hall keeping her awake.

She finally told him that she loved him out loud. All the old memories that had been bouncing around in her head for months were finally silenced. The silence was comforting. She should be able to sleep. But she couldn't. Not when he had almost died 3 days ago by a bullet that was meant for her. Not when the bastard that shot him was still in the wind.

She wanted to crawl in bed next to him. Just to watch him breathe. Just to make sure he didn't stop. _Not yet._ She knew she shouldn't push this too far, too fast. She would see him again in a matter of hours. She would see him, alive and well. Right now, he needed to recuperate. He needed to recover. And she needed to sleep.

* * *

Rafael woke to a massive headache. Probably dehydrated, he figured. The pain from his surgical scar was throbbing worse than ever. Looking over toward the window he saw that the sun was just barely lighting up the sky. It must be early. The apartment was quiet. Olivia was probably still sleeping.

Swinging his legs over the side of the bed, he attempted to sit up. The action caused a lightning bolt of electricity to shoot through his chest. It knocked the wind out of him as he grimaced in pain.

Eventually, he made it to the bedroom door, sweat beading at his hairline. He turned the door knob and walked down the hallway as normally as he could. He should make her coffee. He _wanted_ to make her coffee. It was the least he could do. But, as he rounded the corner into the kitchen, the sight of her sleeping figure on the couch gave him pause. What did he do to deserve this kind of loyalty and devotion from another person? And all he could do was make her coffee. He sighed out, ignoring the pain and guilt that was rising in his chest.

At least he could make her coffee. At least he could do _that._

He turned back to the kitchen. His muscle memory had no problems finding everything he needed to start the coffee maker. It made him smile slightly. It wasn't until the pot was almost done brewing that he heard her stirring in the other room. She sat up into his view. Her hair was noticeably messed up, sleep in her eyes… Rafael felt his heart rate quicken.

"Rafa?" she squeezed her eyes shut and then reopened them, "What are you doing? I can make that." She was on her feet now, rounding the couch.

"I wanted to make it – for you," he smiled as she walked over to him. He was glad to see the sides of her mouth curve up in a small, shy smile.

"Thank you. Now that you made it, why don't you sit down and let me pour it?"

"I'm fine, Liv."

"Is that why you're sweating through your shirt?"

He looked down at his grey shirt, clearly darker under his neck. She raised her eyebrows at him, immediately reaching for his arm and guiding him over to the couch. His body completely gave out as soon as he hit the cushions. Moments later, Olivia sat down next to him, two coffee mugs in her hands.

"How did you sleep?" he asked pointedly.

She shook her head slightly, "Great – how did _you_ sleep?"

He didn't reply. He didn't need to. She made it clear that he was not going to win this battle. Plus, it didn't really matter anyway. He had a million other things he wanted to talk with her about. A million things to ask her. A million things to tell her.

She broke eye contact, looking down at her coffee. Then, without looking back up,

"Just ask, Rafa."

"Do you love him?"

Her head whipped up to meet his eyes. That was _not_ the question she was expecting at all. Does she love… _who_? Then it hit her. Stone. Does she love Peter Stone. It was a fair question, based on the conversation he heard at the gala. She opened her mouth, trying to think of the best possible way to tell him what she needed to tell him. That as long as he was here, there was no _other guy_. There was no loving someone else.

"I love you more –"

His head immediately fell. That was not what she meant to say. She wasn't good at this. She was notoriously bad at it actually.

"No, no, Rafa –" Her hand went to his face, shocking him with the sudden intimate touch. When he held her gaze, she dropped her hand, "Look – I care about Peter. I respect Peter," then, she shook her head slightly, "I don't _love_ Peter."

Rafael's eyes squinted slightly, taking in what she said. He hated that he even made her explain. He didn't want to be the jealous type. And it bothered him that he was becoming jealous over something like this.

"And believe me, I had _no_ idea he felt that way about me either…"

Olivia trailed off, leaning back against the couch. After a moment of introspection, he followed suit and leaned back flat against the cushion. He turned his head against the back rest, to the right to look at her. He felt no need to hide his staring anymore. Everything was on the table now. She must have felt his stare because she turned her head to the left to look at him as well.

An instant smile broke gently onto his face. She just made him happier. Just looking at her, being in her presence – it made him happier. He watched something change in her eyes briefly and before he knew it, she was leaning in, her lips landing on his.

What a different kiss from their first. There was no resentment, no anger, no pain. It wasn't forced. It was real. This wasn't just for show. This was for them. This moment was for them. And suddenly, all of the millions of little things he wanted to talk to her about faded away and everything became about kissing her.

She broke away briefly to take both of their coffee mugs and put them on the table. He watched as she let the mugs down with a soft thud before shifting closer to him on the couch, kissing him again. She did her best to not put pressure on his chest. Even though she knew his stubbornness prevented him from complaining about it, his surgical scar _had_ to be sore. She opted to twist a hand into his hair. It was slightly damp with sweat but she couldn't have cared less. It meant he was alive. He was alive and kissing her. His lips were intoxicating and she was having trouble remembering to be gentle with him. His hands were running slowly up and down her back, arms, and around her waist. Pulling her closer. And she would've let him had it not been for him breaking away suddenly, a sharply intaking air and grimacing.

Too much. Olivia immediately pulled away from him, fear in her eyes. They dropped to his chest then back up to his eyes.

"I'm so sorry, Rafa. I didn't mean –"

"I'm fine. It's fine, Liv. I promise." He tried to pull her back toward him, but he saw in her eyes that it was pointless. She wasn't budging. "Liv –"

"Not a chance," she said with a tight smile. Olivia grabbed their coffees from the table and handed him his. She then grabbed her phone, "I have to call Carisi. See if they've made any progress in finding the shooter." She stood and walked around the couch.

"You know, you can be extremely infuriating sometimes," Rafael countered with a joking smile.

She smiled slightly, pausing behind him to kiss the top of his head once. "Drink your coffee, counselor."

"I'm already wide awake."


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter Fourteen**

Chief Dodds made it adamantly clear that the squad was _not _to investigate Rafael's shooting. It went without saying that they would not be following that order. Olivia didn't even have to talk to Fin, Amanda, and Carisi before they began investigating under the table.

Olivia was having trouble keeping her head clear as she spoke to Carisi on the phone. Her head was still cloudy from kissing him. The adrenaline still in her chest. She just threw her fears completely out the window. Sure, she knew that if she leaned in and kissed him, he would kiss her back. He had made it clear that he wanted her, that he was not going anywhere. But still, by kissing him, she was completely letting him back into her life. Letting him love her. Letting him have the chance to hurt her again. And that scared her more than she wanted it to.

"Dodds was just here," Carisi's voice pulled her out of her thoughts, "He wants you to call him today. Oh, and he, not so subtly, warned us to stop investigating."

"He knows?"

"He knows _you_. I think that's all. But, Lieu, we can't seem to catch a break here."

"Okay, so, there has to be something we can do –" Out of the corner of her eye she saw Rafael stiffly turn in her direction. "I'll be there in a little. Keep pushing, Carisi."

She hung up the phone and turned to Rafael. He was just staring at her with an unreadable expression. What she wouldn't give to know what he was thinking.

"I really should be getting into work – Lucy is already on her way" Olivia said softly. He just stared at her some more. But his silence was making her uneasy.

"Can you just – tell me what the hell you're thinking?" Olivia said abruptly. It didn't shake Rafael though. He just smiled gently.

How on Earth could he tell her what he was thinking? His brain couldn't even pick one thought to linger on for more than a second. He was thinking about the taste of her lips still on his, about the overwhelming desire to do more than just kiss her, the throbbing pain in his chest from his surgical scar. He was thinking about the fear of knowing that the man that shot him got away, about the guilt that Olivia was feeling because of that, the conversation they would eventually have to have about whether they would get divorced…

That last one was a big one. A conversation for another day, perhaps. Would they get divorced? Obviously, whatever they have is new and young and delicate. He didn't even know what they were. That was another thought rattling around his head.

"I'm thinking that you should sleep in bed with me tonight."

The words were out of his mouth before he even knew what he was saying. Definitely not planned. But it was clearly what was on his mind. His heart rate increased as he watched the surprise emerge on her face. _So much for being patient._

A small smile spread across Olivia's face. She wasn't trying to hide them anymore. They stared at each other in silence for a moment. The look in his eyes – it was interesting… like he had just told an inside joke in public and was waiting for her reaction. Craving that secret intimate moment that was only theirs to share. Had he been thinking about her too last night? Did he have any idea what she would've given to have been by his side last night. To be able to hear him breathe – feel his warmth.

"Hmm," she said, finally looking down. Her lack of a response didn't shake him though. At least, she didn't think it did.

* * *

"Lieutenant Benson! Your office, now!"

She had barely even gotten off the elevator before Dodds had cornered her, yelling in front of the whole squad room. _Great._

Olivia turned to look briefly at Amanda, Fin, and Carisi, before following Dodds into her office and closing the door behind her.

"You want to explain to me what part of 'you are not to investigate this case' was so confusing for you and your team?"

"Chief I –"

"And don't pretend you didn't know."

"I have no excuse chief."

"Right… so your impromptu marriage to the victim… that's not something I should be concerned about either, I suppose?"

Olivia sighed. She knew it was only a matter of time before Dodds started asking questions.

"The DA called me this morning. You're under investigation." Dodds tilted his head to the side and narrowed his eyes. "But you already knew that."

Olivia opened her mouth to try to lie but instead just said, "Yes, I already knew that."

Dodds held his hand up. "I don't want to know," he said in a whisper, sitting down opposite her. She followed his lead and sat down in her chair as well.

"I might be able to help you, Lieutenant - make this go away… but you gotta give me a reason."

Olivia stared intensely at her boss. She knew what he was implying. It _did_ look bad. The ironic part was, up until about a week ago, the marriage _was_ all a sham. But now, with everything that had changed between them – maybe they should just stay married. That might make their dating life a little unconventional, but if it would save them from going to prison, who cared?

"Believe me Chief, there's a reason."

He paused to stare at her, "Should I be worried about verdicts being overturned?" He was trying to ask her when this whole thing started.

"No. It wasn't until after he resigned." It wasn't a lie, technically.

Another long pause. Dodds didn't meet her eyes for a while. The silence was intimidating.

"Well, alright then. But Lieutenant – if I do this for you, I think it goes without saying – you gotta stop investigating your husband's shooting. Good day."

* * *

Olivia could feel her detective's eyes on her. Amanda had been occasionally staring at her for over an hour now. But she knew that Amanda would come to her when she needed to. Olivia's trust in her team was the most important thing to her. If she couldn't trust her squad, then she had nothing.

It wasn't even 15 minutes later, when Olivia heard a soft knock on her door. Amanda gave her a stiff and awkward smile, gesturing to an iPad in her hand.

Olivia waved her in.

"What can I do for you, Rollins?"

"Liv, I think – I think I may have something on the shooter," Amanda said, lingering in the doorway of the Lieutenant's office.

"Amanda, I told you, we cannot be investigating this!"

"Liv, believe me, you want to see this…"

Olivia paused. For some reason, even though she had noticed the staring, it wasn't until right now that Olivia noticed the worry plaguing her detective's face.

"What is it?"

"Look, we pulled security cameras from four square blocks surrounding the gala and combed through them, but on a whim, I decided to go back and six blocks from the gala, there's an ATM machine with a camera."

Amanda handed Olivia an iPad cautiously. What was she holding back? One look at the screen and she knew what the apprehension was for. Olivia cleared her throat and raised her eyes. Amanda diverted hers.

"You haven't shown –"

"No," she answered quickly. "And I won't, Liv."

Olivia hesitated. She could ignore this. She could make this go away. But she shouldn't. And deep down, she knew that every bone in her body would make her investigate this.

"No, Amanda. No, we have to look into this. This is our best lead. I'll talk to him."

Amanda shuffled out of the office leaving the iPad with her boss. Olivia just stared at it. She stared at the image of her own brother holding the smoking gun.

* * *

When Olivia walked out of her office, Amanda was just sitting down with a new mug of coffee. Olivia looked over at Carisi who was staring intently at his computer, and then to Fin who was buried under paperwork. Amanda looked up at her, caution in her eyes.

Olivia looked away. She had to go talk to Simon. She wanted to give him a sliver of faith before she decided that he did something so heinous. But Simon was known for finding trouble and she had a bad feeling about this.

"I'll be back a little later. Call me if anything comes up," Olivia said, walking towards the elevator.

Amanda gave Fin a pointed looked. Fin stood up slowly and followed Olivia over to the elevator.

"Where ya headed, Liv? I'll come with you."

"Fin, I'm fine. Amanda is overreacting."

"Right…" he answered, unconvinced.

"Fin, I need you to trust me on this one,"

Olivia responded, checking to see what floor the elevator was on.

"It's not about trust, Liv, you know that."

Olivia stared at Fin for a moment. A look passed between them and as the elevator door opened, they both boarded.

Olivia paused for a moment after she put the car in park. She felt Fin watching her, but she couldn't move yet. This wasn't going to be easy – to say the least.

"Liv –"

"I just – do you know what this would mean, Fin? If Simon did this – if this is true."

"You have to arrest your brother for shooting your husband." Olivia turned to Fin, a little shocked. "So, let's go get it over with, okay?"

Olivia nodded silently. Let's get this over with.

She knocked on the door four times. Fin shifted behind her. She was glad that he was there. The door opened and revealed the shocked face of her brother. He clumsily invited them in and closed the door.

Olivia and Fin stood in the foyer of the small apartment. Neither of them had taken off their coats.

"Olivia! What – what are you doing here? If I had known you were coming –"

Simon was moving around the apartment shifting things and clearing the area.

"We're not here to stay, Simon. We – I – need to ask you something."

Simon's eyes darted between Olivia and Fin. It was as if the weight of the situation was just sinking in.

"What is this about Olivia?"

Liv simply took the iPad and opened it, showing Simon the still frame of him at a payphone that was in clear view of the ATM security camera - holding a gun. She watched Simon's features erupt with fear.

"Liv, I can explain that."

"Well, you're going to have to, Simon." He was backing away from them, hands in front of him. He sunk onto the couch in the living room.

"We found the gun. Probably not the best idea to dump it six blocks from the crime scene," Fin added in. Olivia was having trouble interrogating Simon. She cared about him – loved him. But she loved Rafael more.

"Look, I _found_ that gun!" His voice was panicked. Fin rolled his eyes.

Olivia sighed. He should know better than to use an excuse like that with her.

"Simon, I don't want to do this, I really don't. So, you're going to have to come up with something better than that."

"It's the truth, Olivia!"

"Okay, fine. What were you doing out that late at night, in a neighborhood _nowhere_ near where you live?"

Simon paused. He let a deep breath out, "I can't tell you that."

Olivia pursed her lips and looked down at the ground. She had no other choice.

"Fine. Simon Marsden, you are under arrest for the attempted murder of Rafael Barba."

"Liv, why don't you let me do that?" Fin asked gently. She opened her mouth to protest but then put her handcuffs away. Arresting the man who tried to kill her husband might look bad. There was no way she was letting anything get in the way of justice.

Fin took out his handcuffs. "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law…"

* * *

Amanda, Carisi, and Fin gathered outside of the interrogation room, staring through the one-way glass at Simon. No one had said anything yet. They just waited silently for their Lieutenant to give them orders. She was in her office. As soon as she and Fin returned to the precinct, she went straight to her office, closing the door, and leaving the rest of the squad questioning.

Simon looked jumpy. Like one noise would send him through the ceiling. Fin shook his head slightly in disappointment. This was something not lost on Amanda. She decided to break the silence,

"You don't actually think he did this, do you Fin? I mean, you know him better than we do…"

Fin turned to see the eyes of both of his co-workers on him. He sighed.

"Look, Simon's got a lot of problems. He doesn't exactly have the best track record with this sort of thing."

"Yeah, I know, but attempted murder, Fin? We all know that bullet was meant for Liv, not Barba."

Before Fin could answer, Olivia opened her office door and walked with a purpose towards her squad. Carisi stood up a little straighter and Fin took a step towards her.

"What's our game plan here, Liv?" He reached out a gentle hand to stop her, "You know you can't go in there."

Fin was right. She obviously couldn't interrogate Simon. It was a conflict of interest on at least three different levels, maybe even more.

"Amanda, Carisi, go!" She said quickly. She was clearly frustrated. They quickly opened the door. Fin and Olivia went to the window to watch.

"What if he did this Fin?" She whispered, "What if my own brother tried to kill me?"

"We don't know anything, Liv. There might be a good explanation for all of this."

"You don't believe that," Olivia said in such a low whisper Fin wondered if she was talking to herself.

* * *

It was hours later when Olivia finally turned the lock to her apartment, opening the door as quietly as possible. Both Noah and Rafael had probably been asleep for hours. Simon hadn't budged. Simon had asked for a lawyer before Carisi could finish his first question. It seemed that he learned a thing or two about talking to the cops.

Olivia had spent the rest of evening wrestling with what to do next. She picked up her phone multiple times to call Dodds, but put it back down every time. Finally, she gave up, tossing her phone clumsily onto a pile of papers on her desk. She let out an exhausted breath, leaned back in her chair, and grabbed her purse. It was time to go home.

Olivia let the door close softly and turned the lock. She reveled in the darkness and the silence for a minute. She would have to be back at the prescient in a matter of hours, but for now, she got to be with Noah and Rafael.

Kicking off her shoes and putting down her purse she glanced over at the couch that was still set up for sleeping. He _had_ invited her to sleep in bed with him. And she wanted to. She _so_ wanted to. But she wondered if she should. What they had right now was _more_ than complicated.

She shook her head to herself. Just a few days ago she would have given anything to know that he was okay. To be able to tell him how she felt. It's like she had this amazing moment of clarity. But life was already making things fuzzy again. A few days ago, she wouldn't be standing in the middle of her living room so unsure of herself.

Olivia walked down the hallway toward her room and reached for the doorknob. The room was dark. All she could see was a silhouette of Rafael sleeping quietly. She turned to close the door behind her as quietly as possible. Padding her way across the carpeted floor, she didn't hesitate in climbing into bed him. She hadn't expected him to be awake as she simply laid down on her side and stared at his sleeping form. A couple of minutes passed as she watched his chest rise and fall in a comforting rhythm.

Eventually, he sensed her presence and opened his eyes slowly.

"Hey."

His voice was deep and husky; heavy with sleep.

"Hey," she whispered back with a small smile.

"What time is it?"

"12:45."

"How long have you been home?"

"Couple minutes."

He didn't know what to do with his hands. He wanted to reach out, but something stopped him. Then he saw something in her eyes. Something had happened. Something bad.

"What is it?"

After years of working with the Special Victims Unit, Rafael recognized that look. It was a sort of thousand-yard stare and tunnel vision hybrid. The look you get when you have to listen to gruesome testimonies about what humans can do to one another.

Olivia looked away from his eyes. She knew what he had seen in hers.

"Don't worry about it right now."

"Olivia –"

"Please," she interrupted. "Just –"

She looked back up into his eyes and he was alarmed to see tears beginning to form in hers. She didn't know why she was almost crying – maybe it was fear, or tiredness, or just being completely emotionally overwhelmed – but it did feel nice when Rafael reached out to pull her towards him.

"Ask me tomorrow. I promise I'm not keeping anything from you. I just – I need to just be here."

She hoped he understood. By the look in his eyes, she knew he did. She shifted her head to lay a little closer to him. He had shifted from his back onto his side to face her.

The concern on his face faded slightly and the distress on her's did too. She began to smile a little. He looked confused by her sudden change of emotion.

"What?" He asked, smiling slightly in confusion.

"I _am_ glad you're in my bed," she whispered softly.

"Me too…"

And when he smiled she watched his eyes sparkle. _God, she loved him. _It hit her like a wave.

"How's your pain?" She asked lifting her head from the pillow to look him over.

"It's okay."

Olivia simply stared at him. He gazed back. He was still apprehensive by her apparent distress, but he wasn't going to push anything tonight. He trusted her. And he knew that come the morning, she would tell him what was going on. Her eyes fell from his. She looked tired. He reached to move some hair that was obscuring his view of her face. When he did this, she looked back up at him. A silent admiration burned in his eyes. And she was relatively sure that a similar look smoldered in hers as well. She smiled gently before laying back down and resting against his shoulder. Right now, they just both needed to bask in the stillness.


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter Fifteen**

She woke far before her alarm clock. Even with the assurance of Rafael's arms draped over her and the comfort of his body heat next to her, sleep had not come very easily.

_Your own brother…_

She couldn't stop the image of Simon in the interrogation room from entering her mind repeatedly. And the worst part of it – she didn't believe he was innocent. She shifted slightly and felt Rafael move. She turned and watched him open his eyes sleepily.

"I'm sorry – go back to sleep, I'm just going to make us some coffee."

Before he could even respond she was getting out of bed and making her way quickly to the bedroom door.

Rafael's mind was racing a mile and minute. Had she regretted sleeping in bed with him? Was it too fast? Sure, she seemed okay with it last night. But that was last night. That was when the lights were off. When nobody could see. But now, in the harsh light of day – was she rethinking her decision.

He shook his head.

_Don't be an idiot._

He was being dumb – and insecure – and immature. Their relationship was deeper than this shallow, teenage uncertainty.

He sat up, ignoring the extreme soreness in his chest. It seemed like everyday it was getting worse. He wondered when it would finally get better. He needed it to be soon. It was driving him crazy being so reliant on Olivia. Even though she made it clear that she didn't mind. _He _minded.

Plus, she wasn't going to stop treating him with kid gloves until he healed. And their brief kiss on the couch the previous morning was not nearly enough…

He made his way slowly to the kitchen where Olivia hadn't turned on any lights. She was fumbling around a little trying to make a pot of coffee by the light of the city lights outside the window.

She was beautiful. Breathtaking.

"Liv?" He questioned softly. The way she was acting was scaring him a little. She acknowledged his presence slightly, but didn't hold his eye line.

"Liv - what's going on?"

The way he asked - she could tell he wasn't taking no for an answer anymore. She immediately stopped fumbling with the coffee maker, put one hand on the counter top and turned to look at him seriously. He deserved to know. She felt guilty keeping it from him like this. He took a bullet for her. Regardless of how intentional it was - he almost died in her place. He deserved her honesty.

"Rollins found a security camera," she started slowly, "- of the shooter dumping the gun a few blocks from the gala."

She watched his confused expression. He was understandably confused about what the bad news was.

"Were you able to find him? Arrest him?"

"Yeah," Olivia responded sadly. She dropped her eyes for the first time.

Rafael began smiling a bit confused and uneasy. He reached his arm out for her,

"So, what's the problem, Liv? This is a good thing…?"

He was dipping his head to try to force her to make eye contact with him. He rubbed her arm softly and she looked up at him again.

"It was Simon."

"Simon… Simon -" He played around with the name. She watched it bounce around his head. Then, recognition: "Your brother Simon?"

The realization came over his face and she felt a lump forming in her throat.

"Oh, Liv." He moved instantly to hug her, "I'm so sorry." She didn't turn down his embrace even though it surprised her quite a bit. _Why was he feeling sorry for her?_

"You're sorry for _me_? He's _my_ brother," she said into his neck. Her arms came to wrap around his shoulders.

"Exactly. And regardless of what he did, he's your family… so, I'm _sorry_, Liv." He pulled back from her, "You are not responsible for your brother's actions."

"He's not my family," She responded, defiantly. "Family doesn't do this." She turned away from him to open a cabinet and pull out two coffee mugs.

"Are you _absolutely sure _that he did?"

She poured coffee into the two mugs, shaking her head slightly. "I don't know… he lawyered up pretty fast. But my gut - my gut - maybe it's possible he didn't pull the trigger, but he knows more than he's letting on…"

There was a brief moment of silence before he asked,

"What does Dodds say?"

"Well, that's the other thing," she responded squaring her shoulders to him.

He slowly approached her until they were face to face. He gently reached out and ran a hand up her arm, rubbing her shoulder. It was an innocently intimate touch that drove her crazy. She closed her eyes realizing just how exhausted she was. He always had a way of helping her relax.

"Hey - hey," he whispered delicately and she opened her eyes again. "I know you want to get to the bottom of this - but you need to tell Dodds. Simon is guilty or he's not, but it isn't on you to find out…"

He was right. _Of course_, he was right. Even if Simon was guilty, and he confessed to her, a good lawyer could point out the conflict of interest from a mile away. She would have to call Dodds this morning.

But first -

She leaned in to him, lips landing softly on his. The kiss was slow, inquisitive. His hands moved to her waist, gently pulling her closer. Her whole body reacted to his touch. The longing she had been feeling multiplied tenfold. She knew that she couldn't let it go too far, but it was hard to remember that when his tongue was tracing her bottom lip.

It surprised him a bit when she leaned in.

But he was all too willing to comply with her lips. She was intoxicating. Her hands travelled up over his shoulders and into his hair.

Olivia felt her back come in gentle contact with the cold door of the refrigerator and he pulled away slightly so they could catch their breath. He studied her face softly. He smiled. She was clearly flustered. And he was sure he looked the same way.

The pads of his fingers felt tingly as they traced over her skin. His heart raced, butterflies swelled in his chest. The best kind of butterflies. He felt like they were revitalizing him. Her breath gently fell over his face.

She closed her eyes, trying to gain back some control, "Rafa…" Her hands rested on his cheeks, pulling his head closer, until their foreheads connected. There was a warning in her voice. But something else too. A longing.

"I know."

"It's not that I don't _want _to." She gently pulled back his head so she could look at him. "Believe me - I -"

"- I know, Liv." He smiled a small smile, but his eyes were shining with unspoken admiration. "I go back to the doctor in two days. And in the meantime, I'm a fan of the kissing," he said with a joking smile, leaning in to kiss the spot below her ear.

She chuckled wrapping an arm around his shoulders, "You're satisfied?" she joked back.

"Hmm, very," he said leaning in for a brief, yet passionate kiss. He pulled away grabbing two coffee mugs.

He didn't tell her about the soreness still radiating through his chest. She shouldn't have to worry about that right now. Not with everything else that was going on.

"You know - maybe we should talk about the investigation…" She whispered behind him as he was pouring their coffee.

By the way she spoke, he could tell that she was no longer talking about her brother. She was talking about them. _Their investigation. _But talking about the investigation into their marriage meant talking about _them._

"Look Liv, I know this relationship has been less than conventional but -"

He took a deep breath. Regardless of how much their relationship had changed lately, he took her feelings very seriously. He knew that it wasn't easy for her to talk candidly about her feelings. But he also knew how he felt. His feelings were getting stronger and more absolute by the day.

"- I love you. And to be honest, in another life, I would've asked you to marry me a long time ago."

She smiled kindly at him and it made him relax a little. When he said things like that, she felt like she didn't deserve his loyalty. His devotion. She didn't exactly know how to put it into words, but Olivia figured that if she were able to, she would've said something similar.

"But what do you think?" He asked slowly. He had leaned the small of his back against the counter top and brought his coffee mug to his mouth tentatively.

"I want this. No matter how unconventional it is. I want this and I want you." His eyes shone back at her. "But, you know -" she began. Her eyes left his suddenly. What was that look? Apprehension? Shame? Embarrassment? "Tucker _and_ Cassidy both work for IAB now and that could complicate things."

He hadn't even thought of that, but it was true. At the very least, they both knew the nature of their relationship in the past. Both men knew that Olivia and he had worked together for years hiding their interest in each other quite well. They also knew Olivia. And that she would do just about anything to protect a member of her team. Past or present. Not to mention that both men had been in long term relationships with her.

"They'll have to recuse themselves, obviously…"

"We'll figure it out," he said to reassure her. They _had _to. There was too much at stake. He reached out and held her hand, rubbing his thumb over her knuckles. She focused on their hands. She was thinking hard on something. He wondered if she would tell him what it was.

"Thank you," she said in just above a whisper. "I'm gonna go wake up Noah."

It wasn't long after she made the phone call that Chief Dodds was in her office again.

"I'm not even going to ask you why you waited 12 hours to call me about this. I just want to know why you and your squad continued investigating this case after I explicitly forbade it."

Olivia opened her mouth, then closed it again. She had absolutely no answer for him. The last thing she wanted was Dodds thinking that she didn't respect his authority. She respected him like her old Captain, Cragen.

"I didn't mean to disregard your authority… I had every intention to stay away from the case, but one of my detectives stumbled upon the footage and -"

"And he's your brother! What were you thinking, Lieutenant?!"

Olivia sighed. That was exactly the problem. That's why she should have listened to Dodds in the first place. Because what she was thinking… She was thinking that she wanted to be the one that looked Simon in the eye when he told her why he shot Rafael. She wanted to hear, first hand, why he tried to kill her.

"It won't happen again," Olivia said in a small voice.

Dodds stood up and heaved a long sigh, "No, it won't. Because you're under probation. Effective immediately."

"What? For how long?!"

"At least until you're cleared by IAB."

"Chief I -"

Dodds held up a hand to stop her, "It's out of my hands, Olivia. Pack up everything you'll need for the next couple of weeks."


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter Sixteen**

Olivia was barely home for 20 minutes before there was a knock on her door. Rafael had been in the back room when she had gotten home. She couldn't bring herself to talk to him yet. She just listened to the sound of the water running. It took him longer than usual to shower when he couldn't get his scar wet. But it comforted her slightly simply to hear him shuffling around. She made her way to the door, and opened it quickly when she saw it was Amanda and Fin waiting on the other side.

"What are you guys doing here?" She asked as she stood to the side to let them come in. They sat down on the couch that, until that morning, had been made up as a bed.

Amanda's mouth was forming a hard, flat line. She clearly was not happy about something. She looked over at Fin and so did Olivia.

"Simon finally talked. He admitted to unknowingly working for Danner. Said a man approached him a couple days ago and told him he would pay him cash if he hung around the house and call if the police raided the place during the gala."

Fin paused to look at Olivia. Then he continued, "He was on his way to the gala to collect his money when he heard the shots. He's a scumbag but he didn't pull the trigger, Liv."

Olivia sighed loudly and shook her head. It seemed that every time she thought Simon was making a breakthrough, he dug himself a little deeper into a hole.

"So - It looks like he might have been telling the truth about finding the gun," Olivia said like she was trying out the words - testing them to see if she believed them herself. "And do we believe that?"

Amanda cut in this time, "No, _I_ don't." She gave Fin a pointed look. "Doesn't matter much anyway - his lawyer already got the gun charges thrown out," she muttered.

Olivia glanced back and forth between the pair, "Right…"

"So, what's up, Liv? Are we getting a new Lieutenant while you're gone?"

"What?"

All three of their heads turned towards the back hallway of Olivia's apartment. Rafael had made his way silently around the corner unnoticed by all of them. Olivia's eyes widened slightly. This was not how she wanted to tell him. She knew him better than anyone. And she knew that he would blame himself for this.

"What do you mean 'while you're gone?'"

He was staring intensely at Olivia. Olivia knew that look. She had only seen it on rare occasions: in court when he was losing his patience with a particularly despicable perp, or when he was particularly upset with her over a case… or something else. In fact, the last time she had seen him that upset with her was when he found out she was dating Tucker.

"Rafa -"

"What happened?" He cut her off. He didn't mean to sound harsh, but he needed to know.

Olivia saw that he was not interested in anything but the truth. She stood a walked over to him,

"1PP suspended me for the extent of our investigation." She gazed into Rafael's eyes for an extra moment. She was silently promising to explain everything to him later. He accepted this. She turned back to Amanda and Fin, "You know the drill. 1PP will send in a figurehead that they know is in their back pocket."

"Yeah, and report back everything we do," added Amanda.

"So now we're under investigation too?" Fin said, clear disdain written all over his face. Fin's eyes briefly met Rafael's. Rafael suddenly felt extremely awkward standing in the same room as the three of them. Regardless of if it was deserved, Rollins and Fin blamed him at least a tiny bit for Olivia being gone. And he knew it.

"No," Olivia said firmly. "_I'm_ under investigation. And you know guys, we're lucky 1PP didn't do much worse. We _all_ disregarded direct orders."

Amanda looked at Rafael for a split second then muttered something about having to get back to Carisi, who was holding down the station by himself. When the door clicked shut she immediately turned to Rafael. He was leaning against the wall that seperated the kitchen from the family room, looking down contemplatively.

"Don't do that."

His eyes snapped up at her and she was surprised by what she thought was anger in them. Frustration? She couldn't remember ever seeing him quite like this.

"Do what?" He demanded.

"You don't get to decide when we're in this together and when we're not."

He hadn't expected her to say that. It was true though: he had been thinking about leaving. He had been thinking about going straight to IAB and taking all the blame - about fixing this by whatever means necessary. He didn't know what to say. She had clearly caught him and he felt guilt creeping in for letting her down.

"Liv, I wasn't going to -"

"Bullshit!" Before she even knew what she was doing, she sprang into action. She crossed the room quickly, putting herself right in front of Rafael. Her sudden movement shocked him and he stood up straight, squaring his shoulders.

_**I've got to move on.**_

The damage done a year ago cut deeper than Olivia had ever realized. It was going to take a lot longer than just a couple months to truly fix this. The weight of that realization seemed to sink in for both of them at the same time.

Rafael shook his head slightly, looked down at the floor and took a step even closer to her. His head came up and, throwing caution to the wind, he placed a hand on her cheek. "Where else am I gonna go?" He whispered softly.

The familiar feeling of self-loathing was creeping in again. He hurt her. Again. He was so sick of feeling like he was hurting her. He knew that at some point he was going to have to find a way to forgive himself, but he wasn't ready to yet.

Tears rimmed her eyes and she looked away briefly. It was an internal struggle to keep herself from crying - to keep herself strong. Rafael wondered if that was from years training herself to turn off her emotions. To feel _less_. A way to protect herself.

_**Wouldn't that be nice…**_

* * *

Two days later, Olivia and Rafael sat silently in the hospital waiting room. As soon as they had sat down she reached for his hand and hadn't said a word since. Rafael watched as she flipped absentmindedly through a magazine with her free hand. There was a glazed look in her eyes though, which told him that she was not even registering what was on the pages in front of her.

He sat very still, enjoying the feel of her hand in his. Publicly showing affection was not something she did very often. Of course, during his trial, things were a little different. But now - this was genuine.

She had reached for his hand in the waiting room very intentionally. Being able to physically touch him had become a great form of comfort for her over the past month. It meant, at least for just a couple of minutes, she knew that he wasn't going anywhere. If she focused, she could feel his steady heartbeat pulsing through his veins.

When she got to the end of her magazine she closed it and sighed, tossing it on the small table in front of her. There was a silence for a moment.

"How's your pain?" She whispered. She watched his eyes zone back in and focus on her.

"Mr. Barba?" came a voice. They both turned to see a young man holding a chart. They stood together and followed him out of the waiting room.

Ten minutes later the doctor walked in. He reached out to shake Rafael's hand and then Olivia's. Rafael tried to hide a smile. His doctor was clearly a little intimidated by Olivia's intensity.

"Mr. Barba, how are you feeling?"

"Uh, pretty good. It's been getting better - the soreness."

"On a scale of 1-10 what is your pain level right now?"

Rafael glanced sideways for a split second, "3… 4?"

The doctor nodded absentmindedly, taking down notes in his chart. Olivia suddenly felt her heart speed up. If, or _when,_ the doctor cleared him to go back to normal activity, things would change in a very big way. She had gotten used to being with him whenever she wasn't at work. She had picked up on some of his intricacies that she had not known about even after six years of professional friendship. Knowing those things about him, as innocent as they were, made their relationship seem even more intimate. They were in this strange bubble.

The doctor looked at Rafael's surgical scar. Olivia had never seen him this exposed. She wasn't sure if this was an invasion of privacy. Perhaps this wasn't the way he wanted her to first see him like this. Perhaps he didn't want her to see the large surgical scar that ran down his chest. Rage unexpectedly began to rise up in her chest at the sight of the scar. She saw where the bullet had ripped through his skin. It made her sick to her stomach. She would find the bastard who did it if it was the last thing she did. Olivia distracted herself from her violent thoughts by quietly studying her shoes. She felt him looking at her, but couldn't bring herself to meet his eyes. She was afraid she would give away too much.

Rafael's doctor proceeded to remove his stitches.

"Alright… you can get it wet now. Wash gently with soap and warm water. Still want you to take it easy with anything endurance. Short walks are fine, but take the elevator. This is a long road - there are no shortcuts here, Rafael."

"What about work?"

"No heavy lifting? No strenuous activity?"

Rafael nodded, "I work for a law non-profit. The most strenuous thing I do is paperwork."

His doctor smiled. "Yeah, I think I can clear you for that," he joked.

Olivia turned the lock to her apartment and let them both in. Rafael sighed blissfully. He had been doing that the whole ride home from the hospital. She smiled, amused.

"Feel good to not have those stitches anymore?"

"Unbelievably," he answered enthusiastically. "I can't wait to take a real shower."

"It's all yours. Let me know if you need help." She paused. "I mean - I meant -" She looked at him and smiled. He was smirking back. "Shut up," she said with a grin.

He walked over to her and kissed her confidently. She could get used to that. She _was_ getting used to it. Pulling some hair out of her face he smiled, "You're always welcome to help me shower."

She nodded, rolling her eyes. But she smiled in spite of herself.

"Good to know."

* * *

IAB wasted no time contacting them. Olivia had received several phone calls and an impromptu visit to her apartment in the following days. They were made aware that their hearing was set for next week.

They had a week. Olivia shook that thought away. _No. _There was no way she was letting anything happen to him. This whole thing started because she wanted to protect him. And he had made it adamantly clear that he wanted a lot more than a week… And so did she.

A knock on the door interrupted her thoughts. Olivia furrowed her brow. She wasn't expecting anybody. Her stomach dropped when she saw who was on the other side.

"Ed. What are you doing here?"

A familiar frown was plastered to his face.

"I think you know why I'm here, Liv."

She crossed her arms. She was in no mood to deal with him at the moment. "Yeah, I think I do," she responded icily. "But I don't have to let you in my apartment. So, just say whatever it is you need to say, Ed."

He stared at her quietly. He clearly had not expected her to say this. When he didn't speak for another few moments, Olivia nodded her head knowingly and began to close the door.

"No, hey, wait…" He took a deep breath. "I just - I honestly just came over to warn you about the investigation."

Olivia tilted her head to the side. That was bullshit and they both knew it. He hadn't come over here to look out for her, he came over because he didn't approve.

"Okay, fine. What do you need to warn me about?"

"They're using me as a witness."

"What? Why?" Olivia's mind was racing. Deep down, she knew why. Not only had Tucker investigated her many times over her career, he had dated her too.

"I don't know - All they told me was that I should be ready to testify."

Olivia's face softened and worry began to creep onto her features. They were going to drag her past relationships through the mud just to make their case. She had seen this happen to survivors too many times.

"I hope you know what you're doing, Olivia…" His voice was soft and gentle. He wasn't trying to threaten her by saying this. He reached out a hand to shake hers. She knew he couldn't promise to help her. She knew he would tell the truth no matter what. But she also knew this was more than a handshake - this was Ed trying to show her that there were no hard feelings.

She took his hand and shook it. Then, he turned and disappeared around the corner.


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter Seventeen**

Olivia's eyes fell quickly to the extra cup of coffee in Carisi's hand. He had stood up from his desk as soon as he saw her enter the squadroom. Tired, didn't even begin to describe how she was feeling. Her eyelids had felt particularly heavy in elevator moments ago and caffeine sounded amazing.

"Hey Lieu, got a second?" He asked somewhat softly, gesturing to the coffee in his left hand. Olivia peered behind him at Amanda and Fin, working quietly.

"I'm not even supposed to be here, Carisi. You didn't see me." she responded quickly. The truth was, she was coming in for some paperwork. She was going crazy doing nothing at home and she knew that when she finally _did_ get back to work, it would be waiting for her.

"It's not about work. Well - not really."

Her interest piqued, she waved him into her office. He placed the extra coffee on her desk tentatively after closing the door.

"Listen, I meant to tell you this sooner but with everything going on -"

"What's going on, Carisi?"

"With Stone's resignation, the District Attorney's office had a vacancy, and I applied to the position, and I got it."

Olivia immediately stopped what she was doing and looked up. A smile spread across the Lieutenant's face. Her eyes lit up.

"Carisi that's - that's wonderful," she came around her desk to give the younger man a hug. He was smiling widely. To Olivia, Carisi had almost felt like a student. She had taught him everything she knew about working with Special Victims and he was a quick and eager learner.

"Thank you. But look - I know that I'm leaving you guys out to dry and -"

"Hey, don't even worry about that. This is your shot. I'm really proud of you Sonny." She smiled at him again. Although she didn't like the idea of only having two detectives, she couldn't be upset by this news. "And hey, you're doing us a favor. At least we don't have to break in a new ADA."

"Right," he said, eyes crinkling. "Well, anyway, I'm gonna get back to work."

Olivia looked past Carisi to find a curious Amanda staring at them. She sighed. Their relationship was always a bit troubling to Olivia. She briefly wondered if Amanda was about to lose _her_ Elliot Stabler...

* * *

"Mom?"

"Yes, Noah?"

"Do you love Uncle Rafa?"

Olivia turned to questioning eyes of her son. She sighed. They had been keeping him the dark a little too much lately. It wasn't fair to him.

"Yes, of course I do." She responded simply. He let that sink in for a moment.

"But you love Uncle Fin and Uncle Sonny, right? And Aunt Amanda?"

Olivia stared at Noah. She knew what he was struggling with. He was wondering why all of the sudden Uncle Rafa was more present than his other Uncles and Aunt.

"Yes, I love them very much."

He seemed somewhat content with that answer for a couple of minutes. Olivia almost smiled at her son's furrowed brow. He was considering something…

"Mom? Are there different kinds of love?"

Olivia smiled proudly. She steered him over to the couch and sat down with him.

"You're exactly right, Noah. And I do love Fin, Sonny, and Amanda, but I love Uncle Rafa in a different way."

"But you didn't used to…?"

"I think I did, Noah. I just didn't admit it."

"Why?"

Olivia's eyes dropped and she almost laughed at herself. Why, indeed… There was no way to explain this to her 6-year-old son.

"Someday I'll explain that to you. When you're older."

He seemed satisfied with that answer and she was glad. Olivia sat back and breathed out. Funny, how sometimes it takes explaining something to a 6-year-old to realize how foolish you had been. Things just seemed to be so much less complicated through the eyes of a child. Olivia briefly longed for that innocence.

"Will you get married?"

Olivia's eyes snapped back to her curious son. His face was attentive, eyes innocent.

"Yes. I think we will…"

* * *

Rafael arrived home late that evening. Olivia was already in the back of the apartment putting Noah in his bed. He quietly moved around the kitchen fixing something to eat. Rafael offered to take some time off from work but she had insisted that he continue working even though she wasn't allowed to. He relented and agreed to go back into work 4 days a week, working from home on Fridays. I knew _he_ was the gunshot victim but Rafael had been watching the stress of life taking a toll on Olivia. She didn't sleep through the night often these days. Whenever he asked about it, she would mumble something about nightmares and drifted into the kitchen to make coffee.

She appeared around the corner and smiled as soon as she saw him. Rafael couldn't help but feel happy when she looked at him so genuinely. For months, he thought he lost her forever. He thought he burned that bridge. But he was beginning to realize that burned bridges only meant something if both people agreed it did.

Olivia walked over to him and before _she_ even knew what she was doing, reached up to kiss him quickly on the lips. Although a little surprised he returned the sentiment.

"Not that I'm complaining - at all - but when did we turn into that married couple?"

She laughed and shrugged her shoulders a little, "I guess, just now." She cleared her throat before continuing, "Rafa, speaking of that… Noah asked me today if we were going to get married. I don't like lying to him."

"Me either… should we talk to him?"

"Yeah, I think we should. Maybe not just yet - but soon."

She nodded once to herself and Rafael watched as Olivia turned her attention elsewhere in the kitchen. He didn't move. He felt a little frozen. He had every intention to give her a real engagement. He had every intention of buying her a ring. Maybe even have another ceremony for Noah and the squad. And his mother… Now he knew he would.

* * *

He felt kind of awkward standing outside of Fin's apartment unannounced. Rafael had never even been over to the Sergeant's apartment before and if he was being perfectly honest, Fin had always intimidated him. He had no nonsense personally which at first was a bit threatening. He was fiercely protective of his inner circle, especially Olivia. But Rafael couldn't fault him for that. After all, that was exactly why Rafael wanted to talk to him.

Fin opened the door.

"Counselor, what's up?" Said Fin looking past Rafael like he expected someone else to be there with him.

"Not a counselor anymore," Rafael responded nervously.

"Ah, you'll always be a counselor to me. Come in." Once Rafael had anxiously shuffled into the forer of the apartment, Fin asked, "Everything alright? What can I do for you, Barba?"

"Uh - well, actually it's about Liv."

"She okay?"

"Yeah. Yeah, she's - okay." Rafael didn't really know how to say what he wanted to say so he simply pulled a small box out of his pocket and opened it. Fin was quiet. A smile spread across Fin's face and Rafael felt his breath come a little easier.

"I'm flattered, Barba." They both laughed a little. "So, you're gonna propose to your wife." Rafael looked down slightly embarrassed. He had expected this kind of reaction from the squad. "About time, man. I'm assuming that's why you're here? Get approval and what not?"

"Well, you're Liv's best friend…" Rafael trailed off, "and I want to do this for real. I want to do it right."

"She deserves it."

"Yeah, she does." He said it in a whisper. Emotion behind his eyes.


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter Eighteen**

Rafael flipped the tiny box shut and nervously shoved it back into his suit pocket. He shook his head slightly. He was unbelievably nervous to propose to a woman who he was already married to. He would have laughed if his nerves let him. Rafael stood up quickly when he saw her finally exit the courtroom. He had been sitting, waiting all morning. Actually, he had been pacing all morning, waiting for her. Flipping the ring box open every so often to stare at the ring, then shoving it back into his pocket to commence his pacing. He had been waiting for hours. Occupying a hallway often unused and unnoticed by most people. It was the quietest place in the building that he could still watch for Olivia. Many people were filing out of the courtroom around her. Her eyes searched the crowd, looking for him. She finally turned in his direction. The anger in her eyes seemed to cut straight through him.

He, of course, had seen her like this before. When a defense attorney was being particularly rude to a survivor, or when a verdict came back _not guilty_ and she had to watch, powerlessly, as a smug smile spread across the face of a rapist.

But today was different. Today, _they_ were on trial. And he couldn't help but worry slightly by the look on her face.

Olivia marched her way over to him and he braced himself.

"Unbelievable! IAB is really eager with this case."

"What happened?"

"Dredging up my past before we even met. They're dredging up _your_ past too." She added softly. "I just hate this… having to defend my feelings for you to a bunch of bureaucrats in suits."

"You don't like guys in suits anymore?" It was a lame attempt to lighten the situation but she smiled to herself. It was the kind of smile that he knew he had cut through her anger. She was thinking about something completely different. Something completely theirs.

Her eyes softened and her voice dropped, "I like _you_ in suits."

He smiled adoringly. Rafael stepped forward and reached out for her hand gently. It was a simple gesture but it was doing a good job calming her down. She squeezed his hand leaning into him for a brief moment.

"It's gonna be alright…" he whispered soothingly into her hair. She felt his lips briefly on her head and pulled back slowly to look in his eyes again. She wasn't sure whether it was a good idea to show too much affection. Would it help or hurt their case? She wasn't sure. The irony of this whole situation did not escape her.

When he first came back into her life, she was so broken and so angry with him, it hurt to even look at him. It hurt to be in the same room as him. Believing that she loved him more than he ever would was tormenting her. When she married him, everyone had the right to be suspicious. But what they didn't know was how much things had changed in such a short amount of time. Now she was defending a marriage that she had no intention of ever ending - but to the rest of the world, even Olivia could admit that it looked sketchy.

Regardless - defending her love for this man was definitely something she would spend her time on.

* * *

Brian Cassidy walked out of his courtroom after a _very _long testimony. His head was spinning. He took a deep breath and let it out. His case was about a guy who he once considered a friend. He had gone out to drinks with him. He knew his wife - he learned his daughter's names. He was good police. But he was also a dirtbag who was laundering money.

That was life at IAB it seemed - just when he thought he couldn't get more cynical about people, his job made him investigate his friends.

Brian brought his hands to his face, running them through his hair, messing it up. He didn't care anymore. He started to loosen his tie by turning his head back and forth a little. He did a double take. Olivia Benson stood down at the very end of the long hallway. It was the part of the courthouse that nobody really bothered with. He paused - she was leaning against a man in a three-piece suit; holding his hand. He kissed her hair tenderly. She pulled back to stare lovingly into his eyes. She looked exhausted, and frustrated, but also happy. Unequivocally and fiercely happy. Even from this distance, he could see the devotion in her eyes. He could see it in Rafael Barba's eyes as well.

The moment hit him like a punch to the gut. Brian abruptly looked away. It suddenly occurred to him that this moment was not his to watch. He walked out of the courthouse, head spinning even more than it was before.

* * *

Olivia's mind was racing. She had absolutely no idea how Rafael did this all day yesterday without losing his mind. She stood up for the tenth time that hour to walk down to the opposite side of the building. How could it possibly only be 10am? It would be nice to have a case to investigate on a day like this. Earlier, Fin came to deliver her a cup of coffee before Amanda called and he had to leave again.

It was then that Olivia heard a familiar voice coming from the main lobby. She would recognize that voice anywhere.

They briefly made eye contact, but he looked away quickly. Did she see shame behind his eyes? Olivia felt her blood begin to heat up. Leave it up to Brian Cassidy to ruin something good.

_No._

She stopped herself. That was wrong. It was wrong of her to think that way about him. They had not had the easiest past. And Brian was a lot of things, but she knew, in her heart of hearts, she knew - he was a decent man. Maybe even an honorable man. Sometimes he just made it so hard to remember that. When he snuck another glance at her she tried her best to keep her face neutral. She needed his help right now. And they both knew it.

* * *

"What does your gut say?" Rafael asked diplomatically. She was in her bathroom brushing her teeth when he appeared at the door, leaning against the frame. She turned to him. His eyebrows were furrowed in deep contemplation, arms crossed against his chest. Olivia felt a smile creep across her face in spite of herself.

"What?" He asked after looking up to meet her eyes.

"Well, that's not exactly how a gut feeling works. I'm not a psychic," she answered with a loving smile.

He sighed, "I know… I kind of wish you were though."

Olivia studied his face for a moment before spitting out her toothpaste. Even as she walked towards him, he didn't budge. She leaned over to kiss his shoulder lightly.

"You know it's gonna be okay, right?"

That seemed to snap him out of his haze as he met her eyes for the first time. "How do you know that?" He asked. Olivia didn't respond. Instead, she went to turn off the lights of her bedroom. The only light now was streaming out of the bathroom, lighting Rafael from behind like a silhouette. Olivia looked back at him. He hadn't moved from his spot.

She closed some distance between them and reached out her hand, "Come on." He hesitated a split second before taking her hand and flipping the bathroom light off with his other.

She took solace in curling up next to him in her bed and resting her head on his shoulder. She could hear his amplified heart beat through his shirt. She knew things were going to be okay because, at least to her, nothing was worse than loving him and never getting the chance to tell him. The worst case scenario was already behind them. This - laying with him in her bed… of course she wanted to do this for many years to come, but just a couple of months of ago she never thought it was a possibility. Now - now it felt effortless.

She took that thought into consideration. That was the entire point, wasn't it? No relationship in her entire life had ever felt _effortless._ Like it was actually more complicated to be apart than together.

The only other person she could even remotely compare to him was Elliot. She suddenly could see her old partner's face staring at her in her head. Olivia's eyes snapped open - an attempt to clear the image. She had spent way too long hung up on him. She wasn't the same person anymore. She looked up at Rafael. His eyes were closed. She closed hers again too. Rafael's fingers lightly traced the arm she had draped over him.

Elliot wasn't here. And, for the first time in too long, it wouldn't make a difference even if he was.


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter Nineteen**

Of all nights, why did he choose last night to go home to check on his apartment? He didn't sleep well at all. Actually, he didn't _sleep_ at all. His anxiety about his and Olivia's final day in court kept him tossing and turning the entire night. There was so much on the line. Part of him wondered if that was the reason he insisted on sleeping at his apartment. As if one night would make the blow easier to endure. Or maybe it was because he wanted to give her the chance to have the morning alone with Noah.

Regardless of motive, Rafael was dressed and out the door 15 minutes earlier than he needed to be. He needed something to keep himself busy. He decided that he would buy coffee for the both of them. He stopped outside the courthouse at a coffee cart and had just finished paying when she appeared by his side.

Her face was hard to read. She was calm but not relaxed. It was a knowing look. Like she had discovered a secret and was waiting for him to make the first move. He handed her one of the coffees.

"You look like hell," she started. He laughed a little.

"Thanks."

"I didn't sleep well either," she added quietly before turning to walk up the steps of the courthouse. That gave him pause - but he soon followed behind her. It was a lie to say that it didn't bother her that he decided to spend the previous night at his apartment. She wanted him to have his own life - and she knew it was immature to think that it meant he loved her any less - but at around 3am this morning, when her mind was racing, it would've been nice to have him next to her. They walked through the courthouse door together.

Olivia turned to Rafael, "Hey -" she started, but something immediately drew her attention away. Rafael followed her gaze.

"Chief."

Dodds was walking towards them. He looked stressed to say the least. Dodds shot a glance at Rafael before turning his attention back to Olivia. Rafael wasn't sure if the look was with scorn but he brought a hand to rest on Olivia's back out of protest.

"Did they compel you to testify too?" Olivia asked almost timidly.

"No, actually, I requested it."

Olivia's eyebrows rose. That could only mean one of two things: either the Chief was adement about clearing her name - or adamant about punishing her.

"But that's beside the point now, I suppose." Dodds, being met with confused expressions from both Olivia and Rafael continued. "Oh, I thought someone had told you. You've been cleared of the charges."

"What?! How is that possible? I thought the deliberation normally lasted a whole day!" Olivia's mind was racing. She barely had time to let out a sigh of relief. She shot a quick glance at Rafael and he looked just as shocked and surprised as she was.

"It does," Dodds started, raising his hands in front of him in an expression of confusion, "but apparently a particular character witness swayed the board."

Rafael looked over at Olivia again. Her face was hard to read. _A particular character witness. _It appeared she was just as in the dark as he was.

"Lieutenant Benson, you have officially been reinstated. And Lieutenant, please stop by my office on Friday. Let's say 4:00?" Then he turned his attention back to Rafael, "Mr. Barba." They shook hands briefly and he was gone.

Olivia then turned to Rafael. They were both frozen to their spots. "I was _not _expecting that." Olivia finally said. "Have you ever heard of a board deliberation being that short."

"It's rare," he responded confidently. "It's rare, but it does happen. You had a good friend in there…" She smiled softly to herself. Yeah, she supposed she did. Rafael took a quick and bureaucratic sip of his coffee. She couldn't help but smile. Olivia found it unbelievably attractive when he furrowed his brow in concentration or took himself seriously. He caught her.

"What?" She watched his gaze jump from her eyes down to her lips, then back up.

"Oh nothing," she sipped her coffee.

"Well, I guess I'm going to head into the office then," he said looking down at his watch. Taking a deep breath he looked back up to her, "Wanna get dinner tonight? Celebrate a little?"

She smiled, "Yeah!"

"Alright, good." He started to walk away but she quickly caught his arm.

"Wait, Rafa -" Olivia was suddenly in his space. He barely had enough time to react to her lips on his before she pulled back. "Be safe." She wasn't smiling anymore. She looked serious. He nodded slightly in understanding.

It was a gut impulse. She still didn't like having him out of her sight. And now that they were cleared, she was _done_ disguising her feelings for him. If she wanted to kiss him in the middle of the courthouse, she would.

* * *

She would've preferred a quiet return to the precinct, but Fin had other plans. She wasn't five steps off the elevator when she heard Fin's voice call out.

"Welcome back, Leuitenant!"

Olivia looked over at him with modest appreciation but did a double take when she saw a young detective in deep conversation with Amanda. Fin stood and walked over to Olivia who was just finishing unlocking her office door.

"Who's the freshman talking to Rollins?" They walked in together.

"UC we're prepping for a case," he answered before seeing the surprise on her face and adding, "We'll fill you in." Fin's eyes dropped to watch her hands shuffle around some paperwork. Something Olivia found a little odd. Fin was not known to loiter.

"Something I can do for you, Fin?"

"Did you hear any of the details of your trial?" He answered with a question. Olivia narrowed her eyes in confusion. What did he mean by that?

"No… What's going on Fin?"

He sighed, "I was there yesterday during the final testimonies - I heard what Cassidy said."

Olivia's mind went into overdrive. Why was he bringing this up? Did Cassidy reveal something about her that was sensitive? What could that possibly be that would cause this kind of reaction from Fin?

"Look, maybe it's none of my business," he continued, "but maybe you should go talk to him. He said some really deep stuff." Fin looked down a little awkwardly before adding, "For what it's worth the board was leaning toward convicting you guys until he testified. He saved your marriage."

Fin left her alone after that. And she was grateful for the silence.

* * *

Rafael was handed a scotch before he finished shrugging off his coat. The perks of being a regular: no matter how long you're gone, you're never forgotten. It seemed that spring was refusing to come to Manhattan. He didn't really mind though. He had plenty on his mind these days. The weather often took the back seat. After they had been cleared, they had decided they should celebrate by going out to their favorite bar. For old times sake.

It was also the first time since the shooting that Rafael would be going out somewhere that wasn't work or court. His surgical scar had subsided to a dull ache. Most days, his work distracted him enough that he never really noticed it. Every once and a while he would turn in a strange way or lift something just a little too heavy and pain would spread through his chest like a lightning strike. He often tried to hide it from everyone. Especially Olivia. It wasn't that he was embarrassed - it wasn't guilt either.

It was something entirely different. It was a deep longing for her that he had never experienced quite so strong. All those years of working together, he had felt this. But now it was different. She wanted him too. He smiled to himself, sipping his scotch. His mind was drifting back to a conservation they once had in her office. He had asked the question out of innocent curiosity.

_**What are you going to be doing when you're 85?**_

_**Squabbling with you?**_

It was one of the most genuine things anyone had ever said to him. He was sure that she had meant little by it - just their usual lighthearted banter. But the response hit him deeper than he wanted to admit.

_**Wouldn't that be nice...**_

He said, trying to match her light tone. But he couldn't help but let the smile fall off his face and look at her intensely. It _would _be nice.

"Barba!" A man's voice pulled him out of the memory. He flinched slightly and turned his head quickly. He was still a little jumpy.

"Do you mind?"

Brian Cassidy gestured at the seat next to him. Rafael nodded and held out a hand. Rafael was not particularly a fan of Brian Cassidy, generally believing him to be a reckless hothead that often caused more problems than he solved, but tonight was slightly different. According to Fin, Cassidy's testimony had swayed IAB. And regardless of his motivations, Brian Cassidy was the reason why Rafael was not in jail. He sat down next to him.

"It's on me."

Brian held up a hand and shook his head slightly. "I'm not staying." The man was silent for a few moments and Rafael looked over at him. "I just came to ask - came to say - look, Liv has been through so much..."

Rafael squinted his eyes slightly. He had little to no interest in discussing Olivia with Cassidy. Especially if this was some sort of condescending threat.

"You make her really happy."

He said it like a consolation. Brian stuck his hand out. He looked almost nervous. Rafael blinked in surprise. What was he trying to say? This was a side of Brian Cassidy that Rafael had not known existed. Perhaps there was more to him. Perhaps something that Olivia had seen years ago. Rafael took his hand and shook it. Not that he needed it, nor wanted it, but he had just gotten approval from Olivia's ex boyfriend. He didn't know exactly _what_ it meant - but it meant _something_. And it felt better to have it, than to not have it.

Olivia got out of the taxi and was met by the frigid night evening air. She was late - held up at the station. The moment they had been officially cleared of all charges, Olivia was bombarded with two weeks of work that had piled up in her absence. There seemed to always be more work than they could handle. Olivia couldn't remember a time when the Special Victims Unit wasn't underfunded and understaffed. She didn't even want to think about what would happen when Carisi left for the DA's office. She shook that thought away. At least she knew they would know they had an ADA on their side.

She was so deep in thought she almost missed the figure of Brian Cassidy walking out of the very bar she was about to go into. She wondered briefly if he and Rafael had talked. And before she knew what she was doing, she walked over to him and reached for his arm to stop him.

"Brian, hey -" She stopped halfway through her sentence. She didn't really know what to say. He just stared back looking like he'd been caught. She finally continued, "I heard what you did - and anyway - thank you."

He broke eye contact, staring at his shoes, smiling - almost chuckling - to himself.

"Yeah, well, I saw you guys in the courthouse."

A confused look spread across Olivia's face. He had seen them at the courthouse…? Then it hit her. He had _seen them_. She couldn't think of why he was bringing this up right now. Or why he was laughing about it. A nervous smile crept onto Olivia's face. She was unsure of what was so funny.

"What?" She asked.

He shook his head a couple times, "No, no, it's just… Liv, I would never, _ever_ do anything to intentionally hurt you in any way." He brought his eyes up to her. The humor was completely drained out of his face. He looked like he was in pain. Like he was struggling with something internally. Olivia waited patiently.

"I mean, come on, Liv, you were the love of my life."

She had _not _expected that. Of all the things she thought Brian Cassidy would say to her in the cold New York night, professing his love was certainly not on that list. Her shock made her silent for a couple of seconds. She had no idea how to respond to him without hurting him. That was not her intention at all. Not after everything he had done for her.

"Brian - I don't know where this is coming from. We broke up years ago…"

"I know, I know that. I mean look, Liv, we had some really good times together and there was a lot of love and mutual respect there but - the way you looked at him in the court house - you never -"

He was stumbling over his words. His eyes were darting all over the place, flashing only momentarily to hers every few seconds.

"We never had that. I mean, you gotta admit to me, you were never going to profess your love to me - am I right?"

Olivia swallowed hard. She wished he hadn't asked her that. Because she knew the answer… and the last thing she wanted to do was hurt him. But something told her he knew the answer too.

"Yes, you are right."

He smiled knowingly. It wasn't really a sad smile, but it looked detached. Void of emotion. Olivia stepped into his space and wrapped her arms around him. She didn't know why, but she felt like they both needed it. He returned her embrace and sighed. He pulled back and smiled again. Olivia saw a brief sparkle in his eye this time. She knew the man she had met 20 years ago wasn't completely gone.

"Go inside. It's cold."

Olivia paused. She felt like she should say something more. Like she shouldn't leave him out here alone in the cold. He smiled again like he could read her mind.

"He's waiting for you. Go inside."

He squeezed her arm and walked away, down the sidewalk. Olivia watched him go for a couple of moments before climbing the steps into the bar. The warm lighting and sound of happy chattering instantly relaxed her. She found him quickly, sitting exactly where he always did, sipping his usual scotch, waiting for her.

He looked up and smiled when he saw her. But the serious look on her face gave him pause. She looked on edge.

"Hey," she said quickly. "Do you maybe wanna…?"

She didn't have to finish her sentence. Her head jerked toward the door and he understood. He could tell she needed to get out of here and go home. Rafael wasted no time reaching for his wallet and throwing some money on the counter. He picked up his jacket. She sighed in relief, thankful that he could read her so well. They didn't speak the whole way home. They didn't need to. It was a comfortable silence.

When they got on the elevator, he grabbed her hand and she leaned her head against his shoulder closing her eyes briefly. She knew he was looking at her, but she knew that he wasn't going to pry either. He would wait until she was ready to talk.

Lucy was in the middle of putting Noah to bed when they walked through the door. Olivia went straight to his bedroom and swung the door part-way closed. Lucy raised her eyebrows at Rafael.

"Is she okay?"

"Yeah… I think so. There's just been a lot lately."

To be perfectly honest, Rafael didn't really know if she was okay. He didn't really know if she would be. All he knew was that he was going to everything in his power to support her. It was a half an hour later that she finally emerged from Noah's room. Rafael was sitting in the living room, reading emails on his phone.

She leaned against the wall, staring into space for a moment. He stood and made his way over to her. He stopped directly in front of her.

"What do you need?" He said in a ghost of a whisper.

She briefly looked down at his chest, before one of her hands came out to trace his tie and crisp dress shirt. She had just sat in Noah's dark room silently for 15 minutes after he had fallen asleep. Sometimes she just liked to watch him breathe. It made her feel calmer. But tonight... Olivia didn't really know what she was feeling… She was tired, yet awake. Upset, yet content. Restless, yet calm. She didn't know how to describe the emotional turbulence inside her. She didn't know what she felt - but she was absolutely sure what she wanted. What she needed.

Leaning away from the wall, she stood up straight and reached for his tie, gently loosening the knot. He felt the pressure around his neck release. It was such a simple and innocent gesture, yet felt like one of the most intimate things everyone had ever done for him. He was studying her, hesitant. She couldn't blame him. She had barely said a word to him since she entered the bar. He really just wanted to know if she was okay. But she was done with his tie and was beginning to pull at his suit jacket now, making it almost impossible to think about anything else.

Olivia watched his eyes drop to her lips and back up to her eyes. He was leaning towards her subconsciously, her gentle, delicate touch pulling him in. She reached up and met his lips the rest of the way. His blood was racing through his veins; heart pounding in his ears. It wasn't fair that she could do this to him every single time.

His arms wrapped around her waist and for the first time in weeks, she felt at ease. It was like letting a deep breath out and feeling the tension leave her chest completely. He felt her reach for his hand and began pulling him towards the back hallway. She still had not said a word. Rafael hesitated again. It struck him how incredibly wrong it would be if something was really wrong and he didn't know.

"Rafa…?" A few moments of silence and doubt crept onto her face. Her eyes dropped from his.

"I just - I didn't want - Liv, there's a conversation that we could have – that maybe we _should _have." Rafael closed the little space between them. There was something that registered behind her eyes and the doubt faded away slowly.

Olivia brought a hand to his cheek and kissed him confidently and earnestly. "You asked me what I needed..." She paused for a moment, an intense devotion shining in her eyes. Then, pulling back from him, "But I know that sometimes I can be a little overbearing. So, that's what I want. What do you want?"

His lips crashed down on hers right after the words were out of her mouth. This time he let her drag him down the hallway and into her bedroom. He turned immediately, closing the door softly. Trapping her between himself and the now closed door, he leaned in and kissed her again, deeper this time. His hands found their way underneath her shirt, coming into contact with skin. He pulled at her shirt and she raised her arms to help him. His eyes fell to the skin he had just uncovered.

Olivia began untucking his dress shirt. He watched her as she carefully began to undo the buttons on his dress shirt. She stared at each button as she undid them, like she was taking each into consideration before slipping it off. She was so fascinating to him. He wanted to memorize her. Every facial expression, every nuance. Rafael briefly kissed her on the forehead before going back to watch her again. When she had finished with his shirt, her eyes drifted up to his. She knew he was watching her with that intense look in his eyes. That intensity that made her forget what she was doing. He slid the shirt off his shoulders and onto the floor.

He watched her eyes fall cautiously to his scar. He was all too familiar with the anger that erupted from her eyes. She was reliving the moment - like she had suddenly left the room and was sinking behind her own eyes. She was letting the fear and the anger wash over her.

"Hey," he said gently, forcing her eyes to meet his, "Don't."

Olivia took a deep, shaky breath in. She kind of wished he didn't see her like that. But she couldn't help it. She hated - despised - whoever it was who tried to kill her and she hated that it almost cost Rafael his life instead. But what she hated the most was that she wasn't able to catch him. She felt like she failed herself and Rafael. She was a cop. She built her career - she built her life - around catching criminals.

Olivia nodded her head slightly, agreeing with him. This was not the time nor the place. She kissed him tenderly, sliding her hand across his face and behind his ear, into his hair. The heat from his chest radiated off him, warming her. She broke away and slid onto her bed. He followed her, laying her on her back.

"I love you."

She had not said much of anything all evening - but she made a point to say _that_.


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter Twenty**

Olivia closed her eyes and sighed in frustration. She threw her pen down on top of her mountain of paperwork. It was no use. She had been working on the same page for nearly half an hour. Normally, she would've been happy to finally be back at work. It would mean things were getting back to normal. But she couldn't clear her mind. Olivia closed her eyes briefly. She couldn't stop feeling his touch on her skin - he was tender and delicate; and in a lot of ways, he surprised her. It felt different. Different from her other relationships, different than how she fantasized. There was _ADA Rafael Barba_ and there was _Rafa_. The way he kissed the scars and cigarette burns Lewis left behind - it was as if he was absolving some of that trauma. His whispers of devotion still rang in her head.

Olivia's eyes snapped open.

The ring in his jacket pocket...

That was the biggest reason she hadn't been able to focus all morning. Finding it was an accident. A split second. He was making coffee in the kitchen and all she wanted to do was pick up his dress pants off the floor. It only took a split second for the box to fall onto the floor - for her to realize what it was. A split second that she couldn't stop thinking about since. Olivia shook her head a little. This shouldn't even be that big of a deal. They were already married. He already made it clear that he wanted to keep it that way. But still - for some reason, a ring meant something more. A ring that she wasn't supposed to know about.

There was a knock on the door. It made her jump slightly.

Olivia waved her hand at Amanda. She saw that the new young UC was with her. Olivia stood to greet them.

"Lieutenant, this is Officer Katriona Tamin. She's helping us with Sir Toby's case."

Olivia extended her hand to the young woman.

"Call me Kat, it's faster."

* * *

Rafael sighed and checked the clock on the wall. He hoped this wouldn't take too much longer. He was supposed to be home in time for dinner with Olivia by 7:30 and at this rate, he might not make it.

The buzzer sounded and Danner was escorted into the room. As soon as he saw who was there to visit him he smiled slightly and shook his head in disbelief.

"I heard you ran into a bullet the night your bitch of a wife arrested me."

Rafael smiled condescendingly. The very fact that Danner had immediately tried to get under his skin was actually good news. In his experience, it meant he had something worth digging for. Something to hide.

"Well, you would know better than anyone, wouldn't you?"

He didn't respond, instead choosing to sit in silence. Rafael was not intimidated by this though. It was funny, he thought - he had been out of the DA's office for a year now but dealing with low-life criminals, it appeared, was something not easily forgotten.

"Speaking of my wife - what is it about her that irritates you so much?"

"You mean besides the fact that she's the reason I'm in here?"

"I mean it's pretty obvious you ordered a hit on her _before_ you were even arrested. And hiring her brother too? I mean, what a crazy coincidence," Rafael said sarcastically.

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Sure, sure. The thing is - I'm gonna keep coming back. Every single week, until you tell me what you know. And weekly visits from a former ADA? Probably not the best look for you in here," Rafael gestured with his hands.

Danner's face remained unreadable. Rafael hoped that this would work. He needed to know that Olivia was safe. She was acting like nothing was wrong, but he knew that there was nothing stopping Danner's gang from trying again. Not until they stopped them.

* * *

It wasn't until after she had put Noah to bed that she started to worry. He was late. Obviously late. Hours late. She didn't want to be overbearing. She wanted to give him his space, but ever since the shooting, she had been anxious when it came to him. Suspicious of every glint off a window, apprehensive every time they exited a building. He wasn't the first person that had been shot in front of her - so she knew how this was going to go… the fear would never completely go away, it _would_ eventually ease. But apparently not tonight…

Olivia had tried calling him and wished she hadn't when it went straight to voicemail. That only made her mind race more. And if she was being honest, it was more than just a fear for his safety. Rafael had been carrying around a ring for God knows how long, and after sleeping one night together he goes silent… not great for the ego. She was objectively being ridiculous. There was no reason to question his devotion to her. Just like there was no reason to question hers for him. And yet, she couldn't help herself.

Just then, she heard the lock jingle and the door open. She relaxed a little. But the feeling was fleeting…

"I was wondering if you were going to show up."

He smiled, shrugging off his coat and locking the door. "I'm sorry, I'm late. I got caught up with some work." Olivia narrowed her eyes, but he didn't notice. He clearly didn't understand how worried she was. Rafael made his way over to her, kissing her lightly on the cheek. When he pulled back he smiled.

It was a genuine smile. She could tell he was genuinely happy. But she could also tell that he had just lied to her face.

* * *

Olivia was suspicious of why Dodds wanted to meet with her so late on a Friday afternoon. She smiled politely at his secretary as she gestured for her to enter his office. Olivia knocked three times on the open door.

"Ah, Olivia, come in," Chief Dodds waved his hand, standing from behind his desk. His office looked completely different than usual… empty. It was then that she noticed the boxes scattered around. He was busy loading his belongings into them. What was going on...? "Sit, please," he gestured with his hand. They sat together.

He opened his mouth but didn't say anything. The moment dragged on and Olivia began to worry. It was as if he was trying to tell her something but couldn't choose how to start. He cleared his throat.

"Chief… What's going on? Are you okay?"

"The powers at be have decided that I can't be trusted to work with the DA's office going forward."

"What does _that_ mean?"

"I'm being sent to coventry. As of Monday morning, I'll be riding point for the traffic and pedestrian safety task force." He sighed, "on Staten Island -"

"No, no, no, they can't do that."

"Feathers were ruffled so a head has to roll."

"Feathers? How could they - you said you never even testified during my case…" His silence was deafening. It was revealing. Olivia's heart sank. She felt sick. "You did testify, didn't you…?" The realization sickened her. This was her fault. She felt like a wrecking ball gathering favors and destroying everyone around her in return. 'Guilty' didn't seem to even scratch the surface of how she was feeling right now. Dodds had known the consequences. He knowingly sacrificed himself for her and she couldn't do anything to help him. A fire erupted in her gut.

"This is absurd - I - I will call the press, I will call 1PP, I will call whoever I have to! This is ridiculous!" She was standing now. A cocktail of anger, shame, and guilt boiling inside her. Dodds remained sitting and smiled calmly. A knowing smile. Like he predicted this reaction. He leaned forward in his chair.

"Liv, let it go," he muttered earnestly. "I've had a good run - and it's not time for you to stick your neck out."

"I'll be the judge of that," she seethed, defiantly.

"No, you _won't_," his firm voice responded. He stood slowly from his chair and walked to the other side of the desk. Dodds sat on his desk facing her. Olivia couldn't even meet his eyes. She couldn't believe that this was happening. And worst of all that she caused it.

"Why not?" She sounded desperate. Like suddenly, the fight had been taken out of her. She hung her head to avoid his gaze.

"Because you still have work to do, and gas in the tank. It would be a wasted sacrifice… _Captain_." Dodds smiled slightly when her head snapped back up, a shocked look on her face. "I made it a condition of my exile. Don't worry about me. I'll be back."

He turned and put the last of his things into a nearly full box. Olivia felt emotion welling up behind her eyes. She sighed. She didn't know what to say. It should've been her packing up her office. It should've been her being exiled to Staten Island...

"You are a good man, William Dodds."

Placing the lid onto the box, "_You_ are a class act, Olivia Benson. Long may you run."


End file.
